The Essence of Lasting Cordial Relations

"We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
 enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
 open and reach out and speak up.

We would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
 invest in outcomes, we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
 be gentle and make room for every emotion.

 We'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all be heard we'd all feel seen."

- Alanis Morissette (Utopia).

A simple act of kindness I extended in late 2005 has, almost a decade later, come back to echo exactly what Somni 451 said in Cloud Atlas:

Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.

One good turn deserves another
 
On Friday, April 25, I walked into KCB Limuru. It was shortly after 2pm and having just taken a sumptuous lunch (believe me, I totally love food am obsessed with food), I was in really good moods. Actually, it was not the lunch, but rather, my mission at the bank that excited me. I was about to deposit a cheque...
By the way, why is money so overrated? ... I digress.

Ordinarily, I was expecting to access my funds from April 30, 2014. This was however not to be, thanks to various issues that ultimately needed sorting out at KCB Card Center in Nairobi. So I went to Kencom on Friday, May 2, 2014.

Having spent all afternoon (from noon to 5pm) at KCB Moi Avenue, it became clear that a cash transfer was not done on April 30, and a retry at 2pm on Friday was not working. In other words, I wouldn't get my cash until Monday, 5th May. The only options I now had were:

1.  to transfer funds from my KCB VISA prepaid card into an ordinary KCB account. Unfortunately, I do not hold any other account with KCB.
2. to transfer the funds into the KCB account of someone trustworthy (not a KCB employee) and then obtain the cash from this person. All I'd have to do was authorize the bank in writing, and the bank would effect the transfer in minutes.

All my siblings have accounts at other banks. I could not immediately pick from my friends, other than a few who work at KCB. I felt stuck. Even desperate, since I needed that cash urgently.

It was then that I made a call that presented my only hope.

When my friend Joe spoke on the other end, I explained that I  needed to urgently transfer some funds into a KCB account. Did he have one? Yes he had, but he could only get the cash to me next day, on Saturday. No problem. So I requested that he text me his account number.

When I later called him, minutes before the transfer to confirm the bank branch, Joe told me it was that same branch (KCB Capitol Hill) I took him to back in 2005, and introduced him by signing the requisite documents for him, being a KCB customer at the time. I couldn't believe it!

A simple act of kindness extended in late 2005 did, almost a decade later, literally save the day that Friday evening. Equally important, two KCB employees and their manager - total strangers to me - had stayed long past office time (on a Friday) to help me get my cash.

Making Amends

Just now, I've seen this photo that Kenyans on Twitter are currently making fun of through #WhatOnyisoDidToAoko:

You see, one of the most important tenets of my adult life is the lengths to which I usually go in a bid to maintaining cordial relations both in my personal and business relationships. At times, it does feel like I am stooping too low. As a man, my ego often stands in the way. It then feels like I'm giving too much of myself or becoming an unnecessary bother to others. But I still unrelentingly seek closure at the end of every relationship, in the firm belief that cordial relationships are for the greater good.
If anything, life is made up of seasons, and what you get out of every season is what matters in the end. I prefer not to leave guilt, resentment, apathy, indifference, anger and regret. Instead, I try the much I can to right wrongs, careful not to burn bridges or make an already bad situation worse in the process.

Living in peace with all persons is important. In both the book of Acts & Romans, Paul is quite clear about how much he values having a clear conscience.

Rom 12:18  If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Act 24:16  And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offense toward God, and toward men.  

One of my favorite texts, the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (and yeah, I'm a teetotaler) outlines the 12 steps with making amends (step 8, PDF) being a key pillar of recovery and restoration.
It should however be noted that making amends may not always be necessary (step 9, PDF) and can at times be counter-productive.


Our Need for Others



What many of us often forget is that we we need others. When wronged, we may genuinely feel that the offending party is no longer worthy of our time and/or attention. Needless to say, those who may today seem to be of no use may be your only hope tomorrow. For that reason, I never take people for granted nor judge them harshly based solely on their present circumstances. Or what they've done to me, regardless of how wronged I feel. I am very alive to the fact that people do change. I too, change. How I see things today is not how I'll view the exact same situation after while. And in line with my unfailing belief that things often get better:

Those who seem the least deserving are often the most in need.

Abusing Privilege

Time and again, people continue to fall from grace while others with humble beginnings attain prominence. It is a pity that those with material things often consider those without as lazy, mediocre and as lacking ambition. What many forget is that an irrational fixation on money and riches in itself points to misplaced priorities.
It is for this reason that many people have no second thoughts about trampling down on those who do not have the same fortunes. We forget that tomorrow may be their day to have in plenty and ours to lack and be in desperate need.

All in all, God calls us to shape an uncertain destiny. At the end of relationships, towards the end of life and during times of crises, uncertainty and doubt often prevail. However, hope can carry the day if only we let it. When we are tested, we should refuse to let the journey end. Neither should we turn back nor falter.

In sum, I submit that we should all seek to maintain enduring cordial relations with every person we interact with. Given the times and seasons that make up life, it remains impossible to predict with certainty that someone is no longer of any use and should thus be dispensed with.
After all, those we currently have an advantage over today, may have an even greater advantage tomorrow, even be our only hope at the time. And in cases where further interaction is no longer tenable, it is only fair that endings are not characterized by anger, hatred, burning bridges or breaking bonds that have taken so long to tie.

NB: This post has been inspired by the never-ending kindness of Joe, Peris, Patrick and Alex... men and women of enduring substance who has in recent days showed outstanding maturity and gone beyond the call of duty to bring out more meaning, make a difference and add value in my life in spite of my frailties. I remain eternally indebted to y'all.

Righting Wrongs and Taking A Different Road

Late last year, I fell out with both a close friend and neighbor. Looking back, whatever occasioned our disagreement in such an intense manner now looks trivial, even shameful.

This month, we reconciled and as of yesterday, we are like the best of friends with a renewed friendship, lots of respect and selfless kindness. It is my hope that we infinitely remain that way.

Making Amends

 

In January 2009, I watched an episode of CSI where a guy lost his life after he tried to make amends. In the episode 'Killer' (CSI s6e14), Karl Cooper, upon his release from prison after serving seven years for robbery, kills the guy who ratted him out. Ironically, it is this victim who had actually contacted Karl, since he was '12 stepping'. An attempt to make amends sadly cost him his life.

Thinking about the aforementioned episode, I wrote a Facebook Note in February 2009, in which I explored the following two steps:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Apparently, making amends can also be self harming, as Karl's victim came to find out.
With that in mind, I am usually torn between whether or not to make some amends that have been pending for a while... My excuse being that those who crafted step 9 forgot to include "injure us" as a result of seeking to make amends.

There are two very interesting things to making amends:

I. Whenever you make amends, a very big weight is lifted off your shoulders. While it's especially hard for some people to make amends, eating humble pie, stooping low and being bold enough to accept wrongs were committed and acknowledge the need for closure is all it takes. And it may surprise you that those you once wronged actually have no ill feelings at all.

II. It's worth noting that making amends may not always turn out well. Like our victim in CSI, those you once wronged may be quite unwilling to forgive and let go. Some may even see this as an opportunity to revenge and/or punish you. But take heart. The apostle Paul talks about maintaining a clear conscience. Once you do your part, God will handle the rest. "And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men" - Acts 24:16 (KJV).

My friends, I now urge you to go out and make amends. Remember that colleague you back-stabbed the other day? Or that guy you still owe money? What about that childhood friend you lost courtesy of a few careless words? And do you have any issues between you and God that are still unattended?
Take the bold step number 8. But be careful, and ensure your decision is informed by the (somewhat incomplete) insurance that step 9 accords you before you go making any amends.

All in all, purpose to secure a clear conscience before both God and men. That is what matters after all. Regardless of how it turns out.

A Different Road
Upon effecting such far reaching change in life,  it is necessary to ensure that offenses are not repeated. There must be a complete deviation in lifestyle, habits and anything else that led to the mistakes that needed to be corrected.

At this point, one needs to take a different road. For the simple reason that you might end up being too slow while attempting to run ahead.
Only then does sustained and meaningful change happen. When we humbly and sincerely right wrongs.

:)