The Kindness of Strangers

I have in my possession a copy of the voluminous 'The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence has Declined' by Steven Pinker. In 776 pages, Professor Pinker argues that over the years, violence has gradually declined. In other words, the modern age is a much better time to be alive because people are less violent (and I would guess, better?) than they have been before.

This is not exactly easy to believe, since we live in a world that has vibrant media - both mainstream and social - that seem to glorify as well as normalize violence.
Catching up on news is essentially a voyeuristic experience today.

Steven Pinker does present a contradictory argument: what has changed is only our awareness and sensitivity to violence.
And as Bill Gates writes in his review of this book:

The book is about violence, but paints a remarkable picture that shows the world has evolved over time to be a far less violent place than before. It offers a really fresh perspective on how to achieve positive outcomes in the world.

Pinker presents a tremendous amount of evidence that humans have gradually become much less violent and much more humane.
Pinker isn’t saying that peace, justice and nonviolence are inevitable. He acknowledges that modern technologies have really expanded how lethal wars can be. Things can go very wrong, but Pinker is saying the arc of history is toward less violence, and we should understand that and tap into it.

* * * 

I've always maintained that this "I can't trust you since we are strangers" cliche is way overrated. Even stranger is the reasoning (see what I did there?) that we should be very wary of what is either unfamiliar or different.
We were very much discouraged from talking to strangers in childhood, and this notion that was ingrained into us continues to live on in a majority of well-meaning adults.

It is not uncommon to see us cast very presumptuous and prejudicial aspersions on the character of a person that is pretty unknown to us. And this is rife in this day and age where people make contact to other people using the ubiquitous and instantaneous digital connection methods that the web readily accords us.

Malcolm Gladwell has recently published a book that is aptly titled 'Talking to Strangers.' He talks about what we should know about the people we do not know, and proceeds to examine interactions with rather conflicting outcomes.
For one, human beings are quite trusting. This is why people submit to even damaging religious beliefs and in the same vein, unquestionably believe the media.

Humans are also pretty bad at making that initial decision on who or what to trust. This is why it is so hard to accurately judge character.


* * *

One very hot day, a guy was sitting on his porch when he saw three guys standing nearby. He walked up to them and said "Hello." He then proceeded to ask them to come in and had his wife offer them some baked goods, tantalizing veal, with milk and butter to boot.

For his generosity, his post menopausal wife become a mother.

This is the story of Abraham and Sarah as we read it in Genesis chapter 18. It is then mentioned in Hebrews 13:2

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

Strangers can be kind. And generous. Even altruistic.


And this is exactly what happened when in 1945 towards the end of World War II, a young Jewish boy was liberated by American soldiers. Strangers who were outraged by what they witnessed at Auschwitz, but who were also driven by compassion for the victims of the systemic genocide that was perpetuated by Nazis.

This young boy did live on to become an old man who finally died on 2nd July, 2016. But that was not before he bore witness not only to the horrors of the Holocaust, but also to the magnanimity of human compassion. In 1999, Elie Wiesel gave a speech where he said:

I am filled with a profound and abiding gratitude... "Gratitude" is a word that I cherish. Gratitude is what defines the humanity of the human being.

There are additional links and excerpts on this past post about the perils of indifference on The Walkabout.


* * *

What do you do when you encounter strangers? The acceptable and seemingly smart thing would be to run away, especially if it's strangers in the night. But who knows, things might be quite different and in the likelihood this is a beautiful stranger, the person turns out to be good for you.
Anyways here is some Frank Sinatra magic!

Ditch Desirability. Pursue Purpose

The Greatest Love of All

Many years ago on a beautiful, sunny afternoon in March, I walked into a room on the fourth floor of Hall 6 at the Jomo Kenyatta University of Agriculture and Technology (JKUAT). I was a student there, and so was the man I was about to meet.

But I wasn't meeting him for the first time. He was a classmate. A very cool dude in fact. Very low-profile. Quiet. The most outstanding thing about this guy, noticeable within a few minutes of meeting him, was that he really loved smoking. To this day, he reminds me of Terry O'Reilly's line: "Light them if you got them" in his Age of Persuasion episode about the AMC TV hit show 'Madmen'.

Soon after I sat on one of the beds in the University hostel room, I was offered black coffee and some mandazi. That, given the time and circumstances, was unparalleled 'Ivy League' hospitality!

I had come to this room to get myself some music. Illegally, of course. But it was quite a process, much unlike simply downloading an MP3 track from the Napster website and adding it onto a collection on my personal computer for offline access and - it goes without saying - additional distribution of this bootleg music through endless copying.

Joel gave me a tape cassette. On it was recorded ninety minutes of Whitney Houston music. This included some of my then favorites, and others I hadn't listened to before.

Back in my room, I transferred the music from cassette player to a desktop computer. It was a time consuming exercise, that involved the use of JetAudio, Nero and Winamp audio software. I ended up sleeping past midnight.

Finally, I had the one Whitney Houston Song that carries so much weight, and around which I write this post.




Loving oneself is the greatest love of all.


Utaambia Watu Nini?

Throughout the December 2018 holidays, there was a radio (I neither possess nor watch TV, so I wouldn't know if there was a television version) commercial by the StarTimes terrestrial and satellite TV company. Voiced by one of Kenya's pseudo comedians, the advert ended with the question: "Utaambia watu nini?"
That, of course, is if you didn't get yourself a StarTimes decoder.

That is an interesting persuasion technique, for anybody who knows just how much people love to belong and to not miss out. But there is another way of looking at it - just how much do we say, do or acquire on the strength of what others will say, think or feel?

A key premise of the Advertising classic 'The Mirror Makers' is that advertising doesn't merely show people how or what they are, but what they'd like to be.
And this is also what predisposes people to conmen and frauds - all it takes to manipulate or otherwise unduly influence a person is to tell them a story that resonates with what they either believe or want to hear.

The best example of this is the hope peddling that happens every Sunday...


The Divided Self

In his book 'The Happiness Hypothesis,' Jonathan Haidt writes about "The Divided Self."
In a nutshell, Haidt outlines the various divisions the self has to contend with, given that they often work in cross purposes. These are mind vs body, left vs right, new vs old and controlled vs automatic.

It is for this reason that each one of us, despite the obvious assumption that one would have his or her best interests at heart, will occasionally do irrational and stupid things, fail to control oneself, or do what one knows is not good for him or her.

How should a Person Look Like?

In the United Kingdom, Chidera 'The SlumFlower' Eggerue is a young woman who has had to constantly deal with the pressure to have what is considered perfect boobs.
At one point, she decided she's had enough of this nonsense and launched the #SaggyBoobsMatter hashtag on social media.

Chidera was bold enough to refuse being shamed for how her breasts look.
Sadly, not every person has the support systems around them to come out and speak boldly against harmful societal constructs that dictate what is popular or even acceptable.





It is acceptable and in order that humans will want to belong.
But time and again, we have seen people across all age groups and regions of the world, lower their dignity or otherwise harm themselves in an effort to be accepted by others.

An even more harmful version of this happens on the web, thanks to social networks. It is not uncommon to see people post fake photos depicting their near "perfect" lives in an effort to flaunt glamour and "success" in life.
All this vanity is informed by a misguided craving for social approval and validation by strangers online. Many people feel like they owe their followers and Facebook friends an account of how well they are living their lives.

This is why in August 2018, a popular Kenyan TV presenter was exposed for having projected a very exaggerated and fake lifestyle on Instagram. She would use photos lifted other sites and using filters and digital graphics editing, claim to be doing fashionable things or being in exotic places - all of which was entirely untrue.


The Purpose Driven Life

This book by Rick Warren is a great guide to living a life that is driven by purpose. It is true a lot of it is based on Christian principles. But religion aside, it has wonderful insights that are worth considering.

It much better to pursue one's purpose in life, than to be burdened with an endless search for desirability in the eyes of other faulty humans.
Or even worse - and more damaging - feeling the need to explain oneself to others as if one owes his/her life or happiness to them.

* * *

There is need for every individual to learn how to love oneself unconditionally.
There is honestly nothing wrong with loving who you are, you were born that way. There is no need to hide yourself in regret or feel the need to gain the validation and approval of strangers who in actual fact do not care about you at all. Everybody is beautiful in their own way.

The Essence of Lasting Cordial Relations

"We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
 enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
 open and reach out and speak up.

We would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
 invest in outcomes, we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
 be gentle and make room for every emotion.

 We'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all be heard we'd all feel seen."

- Alanis Morissette (Utopia).

A simple act of kindness I extended in late 2005 has, almost a decade later, come back to echo exactly what Somni 451 said in Cloud Atlas:

Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.

One good turn deserves another
 
On Friday, April 25, I walked into KCB Limuru. It was shortly after 2pm and having just taken a sumptuous lunch (believe me, I totally love food am obsessed with food), I was in really good moods. Actually, it was not the lunch, but rather, my mission at the bank that excited me. I was about to deposit a cheque...
By the way, why is money so overrated? ... I digress.

Ordinarily, I was expecting to access my funds from April 30, 2014. This was however not to be, thanks to various issues that ultimately needed sorting out at KCB Card Center in Nairobi. So I went to Kencom on Friday, May 2, 2014.

Having spent all afternoon (from noon to 5pm) at KCB Moi Avenue, it became clear that a cash transfer was not done on April 30, and a retry at 2pm on Friday was not working. In other words, I wouldn't get my cash until Monday, 5th May. The only options I now had were:

1.  to transfer funds from my KCB VISA prepaid card into an ordinary KCB account. Unfortunately, I do not hold any other account with KCB.
2. to transfer the funds into the KCB account of someone trustworthy (not a KCB employee) and then obtain the cash from this person. All I'd have to do was authorize the bank in writing, and the bank would effect the transfer in minutes.

All my siblings have accounts at other banks. I could not immediately pick from my friends, other than a few who work at KCB. I felt stuck. Even desperate, since I needed that cash urgently.

It was then that I made a call that presented my only hope.

When my friend Joe spoke on the other end, I explained that I  needed to urgently transfer some funds into a KCB account. Did he have one? Yes he had, but he could only get the cash to me next day, on Saturday. No problem. So I requested that he text me his account number.

When I later called him, minutes before the transfer to confirm the bank branch, Joe told me it was that same branch (KCB Capitol Hill) I took him to back in 2005, and introduced him by signing the requisite documents for him, being a KCB customer at the time. I couldn't believe it!

A simple act of kindness extended in late 2005 did, almost a decade later, literally save the day that Friday evening. Equally important, two KCB employees and their manager - total strangers to me - had stayed long past office time (on a Friday) to help me get my cash.

Making Amends

Just now, I've seen this photo that Kenyans on Twitter are currently making fun of through #WhatOnyisoDidToAoko:

You see, one of the most important tenets of my adult life is the lengths to which I usually go in a bid to maintaining cordial relations both in my personal and business relationships. At times, it does feel like I am stooping too low. As a man, my ego often stands in the way. It then feels like I'm giving too much of myself or becoming an unnecessary bother to others. But I still unrelentingly seek closure at the end of every relationship, in the firm belief that cordial relationships are for the greater good.
If anything, life is made up of seasons, and what you get out of every season is what matters in the end. I prefer not to leave guilt, resentment, apathy, indifference, anger and regret. Instead, I try the much I can to right wrongs, careful not to burn bridges or make an already bad situation worse in the process.

Living in peace with all persons is important. In both the book of Acts & Romans, Paul is quite clear about how much he values having a clear conscience.

Rom 12:18  If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Act 24:16  And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offense toward God, and toward men.  

One of my favorite texts, the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (and yeah, I'm a teetotaler) outlines the 12 steps with making amends (step 8, PDF) being a key pillar of recovery and restoration.
It should however be noted that making amends may not always be necessary (step 9, PDF) and can at times be counter-productive.


Our Need for Others



What many of us often forget is that we we need others. When wronged, we may genuinely feel that the offending party is no longer worthy of our time and/or attention. Needless to say, those who may today seem to be of no use may be your only hope tomorrow. For that reason, I never take people for granted nor judge them harshly based solely on their present circumstances. Or what they've done to me, regardless of how wronged I feel. I am very alive to the fact that people do change. I too, change. How I see things today is not how I'll view the exact same situation after while. And in line with my unfailing belief that things often get better:

Those who seem the least deserving are often the most in need.

Abusing Privilege

Time and again, people continue to fall from grace while others with humble beginnings attain prominence. It is a pity that those with material things often consider those without as lazy, mediocre and as lacking ambition. What many forget is that an irrational fixation on money and riches in itself points to misplaced priorities.
It is for this reason that many people have no second thoughts about trampling down on those who do not have the same fortunes. We forget that tomorrow may be their day to have in plenty and ours to lack and be in desperate need.

All in all, God calls us to shape an uncertain destiny. At the end of relationships, towards the end of life and during times of crises, uncertainty and doubt often prevail. However, hope can carry the day if only we let it. When we are tested, we should refuse to let the journey end. Neither should we turn back nor falter.

In sum, I submit that we should all seek to maintain enduring cordial relations with every person we interact with. Given the times and seasons that make up life, it remains impossible to predict with certainty that someone is no longer of any use and should thus be dispensed with.
After all, those we currently have an advantage over today, may have an even greater advantage tomorrow, even be our only hope at the time. And in cases where further interaction is no longer tenable, it is only fair that endings are not characterized by anger, hatred, burning bridges or breaking bonds that have taken so long to tie.

NB: This post has been inspired by the never-ending kindness of Joe, Peris, Patrick and Alex... men and women of enduring substance who has in recent days showed outstanding maturity and gone beyond the call of duty to bring out more meaning, make a difference and add value in my life in spite of my frailties. I remain eternally indebted to y'all.

The Kindness of Strangers

Hello November :)

Punctuality is the politeness of princes, goes the adage.

I was recently discussing gratitude with one of my best friends. She had, at some point in July this year, pointed out how I seemed so grateful about nearly everything in life. Even those seemingly insignificant small things.
At the time, I felt really flattered and purposed to be even more grateful.

The good books says,

Let the giving of thanks be your sacrifice to God, and give to the almighty all that you promised.
- Psalm 50:14

Looking back, I realize that I am where I am today because countless other people have made it possible. Even more profound, most of what they did and continue to do isn't necessarily what they had to do. In other words, they simply go the extra mile for me when they don't have to.

In my own life, I have come to realize that a willingness to help someone who may either never recognize or even acknowledge your assistance is a noble, albeit rare character trait. In fact, it demands more to help such people than to help those who may not be in a position to pay back or return the favor.

And this becomes a key pillar of what I seek to adopt and nurture in my life. Being altruistic essentially takes a genuine intention to make others' lives better, it demands that one consider others before his/her self.
Have you recently done something kind for someone who may never know that you did it, who may actually not appreciate nor requite it? Do you help strangers? How did it feel? Are you still proud that you assisted or do you regret it?

Back to our polite princes, they are not duty bound to be punctual. They can do as they wish. But princes who respect the value of time both to themselves and to those who wait for them are indeed worth their royal standing. Punctuality is the politeness of princes.

Finally, kindness and the ensuing gratitude are never in vain. Here's the reason why:

Have a blessed month.

Hospitality to Strangers

" Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."
- The Bible, Hebrews 13:2 [KJV]

Not for Show 

Last year, I sat down one afternoon for a very informal chat with Kellie. Interestingly, that is the day I got myself an enduring reminder that good isn't good enough.
At one point, we discussed how in thanking God for His undeserved grace to us and fulfilling promises made to the Most High, we should render some selfless service to the less fortunate among us.

We both agreed that the best way to help the disadvantaged in society would be to identify a genuine case, liaise with those under whose care the boy or girl you'd like to sponsor is, and make your contribution quietly without fanfare, publicity and undue media attention.

Benevolent Strangers 

Thinking about Kellie's noble approach to assisting/sponsoring the less fortunate, I am invariably reminded of just how many people have lent a hand in the last three decades I've been alive. I acknowledge and duly appreciate those unseen faces whose money went into reducing, sometimes clearing my High school fees balances. This essentially obviated the need for me to be sent home every now and then.

Even for our tertiary education, Kenyan taxpayers collectively contributed to enable us secure HELB loans. 

Beyond school,  I am fully cognizant of those who have shared their knowledge in books, and online published material so that others can learn. Think about those who collectively build free and open source software. Think about those who anonymously contribute to research institutions and foundations that 

And let us not forget the freedom fighters and genuine activists who sacrifice their time, resources... even lives so that others after them can be free. 

Nameless Friends

Early this week, Njunii and I sought a better understanding of a confusing term: biweekly. It can mean both a semi-weekly or a fortnightly occurrence. I have seen many discussions on Twitter and elsewhere online, involving people who haven't and may never meet in the real world, communally helping one another and coming up with solutions that are of immense benefit to many others. 

Altruism

Exactly one year ago,  a day after my birthday, I wrote about gratitude, generosity and altruism. These were and still are central to my life whenever I consider the past, present and future.

As I say goodbye to age 30 and embrace 31, my intention is to donate my time as much as possible. The immediate place is a hospital of my choice, where I can dedicate an entire day to go out there and help strangers who are in pain, in anguish, alone... those whose day I can add value to. I shall help in cleaning, in assisting medical staff, or any other duties assigned by those in charge.

Revealing the hospital where I intend to volunteer my time is beyond the scope of this blog post, I need to do this without any publicity whatsoever. 

Where's the Love?

In her song In God's Hands, Nelly Furtado asks the following:

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God's hands

I leave you  with the following deep words:

The essence of life is planting trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.