Why do we almost always Make it about Ourselves?

Human beings have this incredibly irrational desire to have the final word.

Suppose you are let go of at the workplace.
Upon going to the premises, you quickly realize you're no longer invited nor allowed to access your (former) office. What would you do?

Would it make any sense to start shouting "I quit" at the gate?
Would it be any necessary, much less useful, to openly start expressing regret and saying how big a mistake and waste of your time it was to work in that particular company? Wouldn't it be much more important to try and find out what the situation actually is, without first putting yourself in it?

My point here is that when certain things don't go our way, particularly things we have emotionally invested in, we find it very hard to adjust to the abruptly altered reality.
This is something Malcolm Gladwell captures very well in his Preface in The Person and the Situation book by Lee Ross and Richard Nisbett. He writes:

When we perceive the actions and intentions of others, we tend to make mistakes. We see things that aren’t there and we make predictions that we ought not to make: we privilege the “person” and we discount the influence of the “situation.”

The obvious thing many of us fail to realize, being too blinded by emotion, is that life is made up of finite seasons. And what matters in the end is what one gets out of every season.

* * *

In the last week of last month, I sadly lost my sister. Between March 24 and March 28 when we buried her, I did put on a strong face and managed to get a lot of things done with minimal interruption. I guess this is because there was constant family support and daily communication with one another.
In fact, many people that I regularly talk to, particularly on chat, barely noticed a change.

Things, however, did change after Sunday, March 29. My mind got inundated with endless thoughts about her. It was quite a mix-up - at times nostalgia, other times past challenging times we have jointly faced, again it would be moments I cherish, and the ever present sadness that comes with asking: "Why Njeri, and not me?"

It was for this reason that I actually went quiet all of that week between Sunday, March 29 to Saturday, April 4, 2020. I just didn't want to talk, as I took time to internalize and come to terms with suddenly losing someone so close.
And a funny thing happened. Someone I had grown very fond of reached out on April 4, accusing me of ghosting and consequently saying (a very ironic) goodbye.
That singular act of making things that deviate from the realities we are used to all about oneself is what has inspired this post.

Another thing did happen, thanks to the insights and enlightenment I have so far been getting from some of the books I have been reading both in March and April.
Were it not for this, I would have mistaken that particular "friend" - who opted to walk away in a huff instead of actually asking what may be happening in my life - as being among people who are so full of themselves.
These are the people who always make it all about themselves, by throwing tantrums as spoilt brats do, and playing victim. Or in more vindictive situations, passing blame and unfairly accusing other persons.


* * *

Niccolo Machiavelli also intimated the following:

"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are."

One of the reasons we repeatedly engage in irrational behaviors is our innate tendency to view everything within the world in relationship to oneself. In other words, to be self-centered.
That is why we "act out" when we don't get our way. It is also why we contradict and deceive ourselves in countless ways. Writing in 'Critical Thinking: Tools for taking charge of your Professional and Personal Life,' Richard Paul and Linda Elder have put it in these words:

"We act inconsistently, ignore relevant evidence, jump to conclusions and say and believe things that don't make good sense.
We are self-destructive, petty and vindictive. We rationalize, project and stereotype.
Humans live with the unrealistic but confident sense that we have fundamentally figured out thet way things actually are, and that we have done this objectively."

All this happens because naturally, we do not appreciate the point of view of others or the limitations of our own point of view. This is all due to egocentric thinking, which we can only explicitly become aware of if specially trained to do so.

It's for this reason that Jonathan Haidt also shared in his book 'The Righteous Mind: How Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion' that we are a bunch of hypocrites so skilled at putting on a show of virtue, that we deceive even ourselves.


* * *

In sum, it is important to both acknowledge and counter the egocentric thinking that all too often predisposes us to use self-centered psychological standards to determine what to believe and what to reject.

Instead of depending so much on our intuitive perceptions, it would be helpful to engage intellectual standards in thinking. This can be achieved through self-understanding, becoming critics of our own thinking, being fair-minded and purposing to make intelligent decisions that are not always subjective i.e. centered around our selves.

* * *

Sooner or later, every person comes to the realization that in running ahead, he or she actually goes too slow. Acknowledging that one is trying to get their hands clean in dirty water is always a reminder that it's become necessary to take a different road.
Only by diligently going back to the basics of life can we stop being blind with our eyes wide open.

How to Know what You Mean to other People

Relationships are seldom, if ever, mutual. And hard as it is to accept this reality, it all starts with what you are to other people. What you think you are to others, and what they know you are to them, are two different things.

More than a decade ago when I was in college, I made a rare, albeit serious attempt at dating. CM was her name, and this was a relationship I hoped would be enduring, even lifelong... sorry, I digress.

During one of our numerous conversations, and in a moment I consider among the most profound in my dealings with CM, she looked at me straight in the eyes and asked, "Peter, what am I to you?"

Luckily, this was not during a 'fight'. But I did not answer immediately, given my penchant for reading between the lines. It took a moment to digest the all-important question.

I then gave her my candid answer.
(Sorry, you ain't CM and my answer is beyond the scope of this post... hehe).

Looking back, I now realize that is the one question I always ask myself in all my dealings with other people. And it has saved me from a lot of trouble.
Be it professional or informal relationships, taking time to actually find out what my place is in the hearts and minds of whoever I am interacting with is a priceless realization.


Why do we love oranges?

I still recall the day when Pinky Ghelani challenged her listeners to reflect why we love oranges. That was many years ago on her show 'The Fuse' on 98.4 Capital FM.

Pinky then proceeded to explain that almost every person who loves an orange does so because of what one can get from it. Specifically, the nutrients and the taste. It has nothing to do with how colorful oranges look, or how perfectly round they may be.

And this reminds me of Jesus's 'barren tree' parable in Luke 13:6-9.


Is the Juice worth the Squeeze?

It seems I'm on a roll with these fruity metaphors. But not to worry.

For interactions that are one-sided, where genuine affection is unrequited, good people have every reason to walk away. Letting go and moving on is in fact the most apt thing to do, only that it should not happen sans reflection. This ensures that there is no haste, and enough time is first spent appreciating all that has been and learning from whatever failed to work well or as expected.

A fearless and searching moral inventory is therefore recommended every once in a while, to forestall the risk of being used by others, or passing across the wrong message. A common problem that faces exceedingly good people is their good deeds being misconstrued as being desperate, clingy or needy. And of course being taken for granted, only to be missed when the well runs dry.

Every time you feel like you're in a situation where the other party is not living up to what is expected of them - be it a friend, love interest, business partner, client, colleague at work or school, etc - be courageous enough to do an objective and candid cost-benefit analysis with a view to setting things right.

I must admit that I do walk away from people the moment I realize what they take me to be is something that adds no value, is inappropriate or at great cost to me and my person.

For the record, a cost-benefit analysis is not a walk in the park, especially in situations where one has invested emotionally. But it is always worth it.

I end this post with something I once heard on 103.9 Family FM a long time ago. It is about what an ordinary man is to those around him.

To his dog, he is like a god, and the provider of all things nice (read meat, bones and macaroni). To his wife, he is Mr Money. To his teenage daughter, he is an overbearing tyrant who just can't let her be. To his boss, he is a good employee, but one who can be better. To his MP, he is just another vote.

You get the drift...

Finally, the key question is, what exactly are you to those around you and those whose lives you touch? And more important, are you to them what you think you are?



* * *

It does take two to tango. And I bet giving as good as one gets is for the most part, a core component of mutual interaction.
That said, how about meeting halfway?

Love, Relationships and Violence

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living wih the results of other people's thinking."

- Steve Jobs [2005 Stanford commencement address]

Self Righteousness

When I watched Jonathan Haidt's TED Talk about Morality and Openness to Experience, it became clear to me that being subjective in any decision making is the primary reason we are rarely open minded. In other words, objectivity can only prevail when we do not take sides.

Unfortunately, every one of us thinks they are invariably right. This is why it is very difficult to tell someone that s/he is making the wrong decisions in life.


Abusive Relationships

That said, I remember listening to Jam 316 a while back, hosted by Frederick Njiiri on Family Radio 316. Listeners were calling in to share their views after a lady called in, wondering what to do since her husband beats her up.

When asked if she has shared her predicament with her family or close friends, she said that she hasn't, because she will be embarrassed when others know that she is a victim of domestic violence.

As I listened to divergent opinions from other listeners who called in or shared on the show's Facebook page, I was vexed by two things:

1. a majority has gradually accepted that physical abuse by one spouse in marriages and relationships is a perfectly normal, natural and ordinary thing.
2. victims of domestic violence are unable to leave abusive relationships because of kids, stigma and a dependence on the abusive spouse or partner.

Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze?

I find it really hard to understand why people feel that they need other people to complete them. Or why people feel this irresistible urge to get into marriage. When shall we come to realize that other people should only complement, but not complete us?

Granted, I am not married nor in a relationship, those are situations I have opted to stay out of as long as possible for reasons that are beyond the scope of this post.

My question however remains: Are the people we closely relate with really indispensable?

Is it so hard to leave a situation that adversely affects you? Is there a shortage of spouses and partners in life, that I am unaware of? What happened to freedom and choice? Is continually living with some people really worth the trouble?


Self Deprecation

Stephen King, in The Dark Tower, writes

True love, like any other strong and addictive drug, is boring—once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome.
. . except, of course, to those who share the kisses, who give and take the caresses while every sound and color of the world seems to deepen and brighten around them. As with any other strong drug, true first love is really only interesting to those who have become its prisoners.
And, as is true of any other strong and addicting drug, true first love is dangerous.

His words somewhat explain the irrational behavior that many people exhibit when they are in relationships.

The Idea of True Love

Regardless of one's religious leanings or otherwise, I contend that some definitions hold true universally. In her song My Idea of Heaven, Leigh Nash concludes that being with family is indeed her idea of heaven.

In my mind, families are predicated on relationships. Family should therefore be the last place where one should be harmed - especially relationships and families that we create voluntarily through dating and marriage.

Furthermore, I have always maintained that things don't get bad over time, they start bad.
1 Corinthians 13 provides us with a very good definition of love. Have a look at it and should you be in a situation that falls short of this, my advice is that you should get out of it as soon as possible. It surely isn't worth your while.


* * *

 Every single I come across a media report where someone seriously harmed, or even killed a love interest or spouse, it makes me realize just how worthless some people consider others to be.
To forestall such unfortunate happenings, people, and especially women should realize that violence, in all its forms, has no place in any relationship. Learn to view yourself, and thereby live, according to how you view yourself. Not how he views you. There's no shortage of people who'll treat you with respect elsewhere in the world. Here's Orianthi with According to You.

One Reason to Leave, Many Reasons to Stay

Human Relationships

Recently, I took time to think about human relationships - how fickle and frail they can be, and how encompassing and enduring they can also be.
It is interesting that all it takes for many relationships to end is just one mistake, one error in judgment. One reason is often too many, and usually enough for either or both parties to walk. At times, to go ahead and add their voice to WhyILeft.

Just about the same time, I watched a movie that reminded me of a discussion on last week's Weekend on BBC World Service that dwelt on theWhyIStayed hashtag on Twitter.

To Leave or to Stay?

That said, when does it become untenable to stay? And when is there reason enough to simply leave?
And more important, what would make one stay, when leaving is the most obvious option?

In all fairness, we have on several occasions written about leaving on this blog: Here, here and here. And most recently, here.

The Many Reasons to Stay

Coincidentally, I watched The Vow only last week.
Inspired by a true event, it is the story of a young couple - Leo and Paige, whose lives were ruined in a single moment of passion that was cut short by a traffic accident.

A truck hits Leo's car as he kisses his wife (who has since unbuckled her seat belt) and both of them are hospitalized, with Paige being in a medically induced comma due to her head injury.

When she awakens, Paige has lost most of her memories, especially everything about Leo who now is an imposing stranger in her life.
The rest of the movie is largely Leo's travail as he tries to win Paige back.

Anyways, the part that I found quite profound, and that is at the core of this post, is where Paige's mother tells her daughter why she still stayed even after discovering that Paige's father was cheating on her. And not just with any other woman, but with Paige's friend.




To Leave or to Stay

Many times, we hold people to very high standards, thus unwittingly setting ourselves up for great disappointments when these people do not live up to our expectations.
The resulting ire is often enough to make us forget all the good before it.

Should this be the case?

Depending on the situation, I submit that particular circumstances call for specific considerations. It also depends to a great extent, on the person(s) involved.
Do you often find it easier to leave or to stay?

The Essence of Lasting Cordial Relations

"We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
 enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
 open and reach out and speak up.

We would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
 invest in outcomes, we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
 be gentle and make room for every emotion.

 We'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all be heard we'd all feel seen."

- Alanis Morissette (Utopia).

A simple act of kindness I extended in late 2005 has, almost a decade later, come back to echo exactly what Somni 451 said in Cloud Atlas:

Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.

One good turn deserves another
 
On Friday, April 25, I walked into KCB Limuru. It was shortly after 2pm and having just taken a sumptuous lunch (believe me, I totally love food am obsessed with food), I was in really good moods. Actually, it was not the lunch, but rather, my mission at the bank that excited me. I was about to deposit a cheque...
By the way, why is money so overrated? ... I digress.

Ordinarily, I was expecting to access my funds from April 30, 2014. This was however not to be, thanks to various issues that ultimately needed sorting out at KCB Card Center in Nairobi. So I went to Kencom on Friday, May 2, 2014.

Having spent all afternoon (from noon to 5pm) at KCB Moi Avenue, it became clear that a cash transfer was not done on April 30, and a retry at 2pm on Friday was not working. In other words, I wouldn't get my cash until Monday, 5th May. The only options I now had were:

1.  to transfer funds from my KCB VISA prepaid card into an ordinary KCB account. Unfortunately, I do not hold any other account with KCB.
2. to transfer the funds into the KCB account of someone trustworthy (not a KCB employee) and then obtain the cash from this person. All I'd have to do was authorize the bank in writing, and the bank would effect the transfer in minutes.

All my siblings have accounts at other banks. I could not immediately pick from my friends, other than a few who work at KCB. I felt stuck. Even desperate, since I needed that cash urgently.

It was then that I made a call that presented my only hope.

When my friend Joe spoke on the other end, I explained that I  needed to urgently transfer some funds into a KCB account. Did he have one? Yes he had, but he could only get the cash to me next day, on Saturday. No problem. So I requested that he text me his account number.

When I later called him, minutes before the transfer to confirm the bank branch, Joe told me it was that same branch (KCB Capitol Hill) I took him to back in 2005, and introduced him by signing the requisite documents for him, being a KCB customer at the time. I couldn't believe it!

A simple act of kindness extended in late 2005 did, almost a decade later, literally save the day that Friday evening. Equally important, two KCB employees and their manager - total strangers to me - had stayed long past office time (on a Friday) to help me get my cash.

Making Amends

Just now, I've seen this photo that Kenyans on Twitter are currently making fun of through #WhatOnyisoDidToAoko:

You see, one of the most important tenets of my adult life is the lengths to which I usually go in a bid to maintaining cordial relations both in my personal and business relationships. At times, it does feel like I am stooping too low. As a man, my ego often stands in the way. It then feels like I'm giving too much of myself or becoming an unnecessary bother to others. But I still unrelentingly seek closure at the end of every relationship, in the firm belief that cordial relationships are for the greater good.
If anything, life is made up of seasons, and what you get out of every season is what matters in the end. I prefer not to leave guilt, resentment, apathy, indifference, anger and regret. Instead, I try the much I can to right wrongs, careful not to burn bridges or make an already bad situation worse in the process.

Living in peace with all persons is important. In both the book of Acts & Romans, Paul is quite clear about how much he values having a clear conscience.

Rom 12:18  If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Act 24:16  And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offense toward God, and toward men.  

One of my favorite texts, the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (and yeah, I'm a teetotaler) outlines the 12 steps with making amends (step 8, PDF) being a key pillar of recovery and restoration.
It should however be noted that making amends may not always be necessary (step 9, PDF) and can at times be counter-productive.


Our Need for Others



What many of us often forget is that we we need others. When wronged, we may genuinely feel that the offending party is no longer worthy of our time and/or attention. Needless to say, those who may today seem to be of no use may be your only hope tomorrow. For that reason, I never take people for granted nor judge them harshly based solely on their present circumstances. Or what they've done to me, regardless of how wronged I feel. I am very alive to the fact that people do change. I too, change. How I see things today is not how I'll view the exact same situation after while. And in line with my unfailing belief that things often get better:

Those who seem the least deserving are often the most in need.

Abusing Privilege

Time and again, people continue to fall from grace while others with humble beginnings attain prominence. It is a pity that those with material things often consider those without as lazy, mediocre and as lacking ambition. What many forget is that an irrational fixation on money and riches in itself points to misplaced priorities.
It is for this reason that many people have no second thoughts about trampling down on those who do not have the same fortunes. We forget that tomorrow may be their day to have in plenty and ours to lack and be in desperate need.

All in all, God calls us to shape an uncertain destiny. At the end of relationships, towards the end of life and during times of crises, uncertainty and doubt often prevail. However, hope can carry the day if only we let it. When we are tested, we should refuse to let the journey end. Neither should we turn back nor falter.

In sum, I submit that we should all seek to maintain enduring cordial relations with every person we interact with. Given the times and seasons that make up life, it remains impossible to predict with certainty that someone is no longer of any use and should thus be dispensed with.
After all, those we currently have an advantage over today, may have an even greater advantage tomorrow, even be our only hope at the time. And in cases where further interaction is no longer tenable, it is only fair that endings are not characterized by anger, hatred, burning bridges or breaking bonds that have taken so long to tie.

NB: This post has been inspired by the never-ending kindness of Joe, Peris, Patrick and Alex... men and women of enduring substance who has in recent days showed outstanding maturity and gone beyond the call of duty to bring out more meaning, make a difference and add value in my life in spite of my frailties. I remain eternally indebted to y'all.

Modern Love and Other Interactions in 2014

"We can never bring it about that we require nothing outside ourselves to preserve our being, nor that we live without having dealings with things outside us." 

- Benedict Spinoza, in Ethics.

Prior to writing this post, I've had to listen to this podcast on Modern Love [mp3], read the short story 'A Good Man is Hard to Find' by Flannery O'Connor, read about losing yourself in a relationship in this 'Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness' cautionary tale and made a searching and fearless moral inventory of my interactions with those who I've so far had any sort of affection for.

That said, today's post is simply an amalgamation of varying viewpoints, highlights and personal thoughts about this most interesting of human interactions - love.

A Love Most Interesting.

First of all, a question: Can love be endless?
I bet you'd also want to find out how a man can spend over a decade in love with a woman who doesn't exist. Even more interesting, what would you consider the worst first date of all time? Well, check out this podcast on Modern Love to find out.

Relationships with Others

Almost 4 years ago, I came across a document that profoundly challenged my views in regard to how we should relate with others. In our continued search for meaning, satisfaction and fulfillment which goes way beyond transient happiness, relationships are crucial.

Life is more fulfilling when one genuinely cares for others. Interestingly, a lack of true friends always becomes a very big crisis later on in life. Needless to say, human beings become depressed when they are alone for far too long.
It is partly thanks to the foregoing that inasmuch as I revel in my own company, I remain cognizant to the glaring fact that there is both a need and place for other people in my life. Interactions therefore, are necessary in life.

In 2014, my long-planned journey of touching countless lives, albeit one life at a time through my writing, begins in earnest. Every time I speak about things I am passionate about, I get to realize just how much there is to say and even more important, just how much more there is to learn.
Just like Flannery O'Connor, I now realize that it is by telling stories that I can best communicate. She says:

“A story is a way to say something that can’t be said any other way, and it takes every word in the story to say what the meaning is.”
― Flannery O'Connor

When we carefully examine how we live with others, it becomes apparent that there are many DOs and DONTs that govern how we relate be it with family, friends, colleagues at home or at school, acquaintances or total strangers. Whatever the interaction, some mutual respect and basic etiquette are always a good start to sustain any useful discourse.

Should this not be forthcoming from any or both parties, there would be no sustained dialogue or any communication at all. No meaningful interaction can then occur.
Doing the right thing is just one tenet of managing to live with others in harmony, and only then can one find true fulfillment in a world filled with others whose way or viewing things may be profoundly different. That is where virtue comes in. As Benedict Spinoza writes in Ethics:

"...the very foundation of virtue is this very striving to preserve one's own being, and that happiness consists in a man's being able to preserve his being. Again, it follows that we can never bring it about that we require nothing outside ourselves to preserve our being, nor that we live without having dealings with things outside us...There are, therefore, many things outside us which are useful to us, and on that account to be sought."

All in all, it is only by abandoning a foolish quest for the ephemeral rewards of happiness, wealth and power that you can begin to look for your true calling on this earth.
What it is that you will be seeking in 2014?

* * * * *

One Month Later...

I end this post by looking back at a day that was "touched by love." On December 7, 2013, "the harmony of love met with the melody of life to create a beautiful love song."

Exactly one month ago, I joined family, friends and well-wishers in celebration of Winni and George's wedding. It was a most colorful day, and my best wishes invariably remain with them even as they ended 2013 by beginning a new life together, a new family and all the good things that await them on their best days ahead. Together.

In sum, 2013 was a very good year.
It was the end of something. It was the beginning of everything.

The Wonderful Effect of Time

Taking Time to React
After Mwai Kibaki became the third President of Kenya in December 2002, I couldn't help but notice just how different his leadership style was from former President Moi's. Kibaki let his ministers actually guide policy and manage their ministries, he stayed away from the public spotlight and best of all, he took time to react to issues. In delegating and letting those under him be, President Mwai Kibaki was diametrically the opposite of a micro-manager like Amazon's Jeff Bezos.

While these attributes may come across as being stand-offish and indifferent, even bordering on negligence, there is much to learn from especially the third one, thanks to the keyword TIME.

You see, I realized in early 2003 that if the President of an independent republic would be patient and tolerant enough to take time before reacting to every thing that he had a say in, then there must be something worthwhile in the wait.

As we grew up, we were all taught  and constantly reminded to breathe in and count to ten whenever someone pissed us off, to never speak or act in anger, and that patience pays. Let us look at the wonderful effect of time in our lives.

Time is a gift
One of my favorite bloggers reckons that time is a gift. And I agree. She says,

Our Saviour has granted us a lot of gifts and one of the best is time. There are things that you go through in life: some good, some bad but what they both have is common is time.

Time does have this effect in life that we can barely understand. The passage of time changes attitudes and perceptions, makes pain go away, allows us to understand and appreciate what we couldn't before... time changes everything. In fact, we all know that time heals wounds. Inasmuch as scars may remain to constantly remind us what exactly happened, the passage of time will heal both emotional, psychological and physical wounds.

Time, and lessons learnt
Looking back, I remember some things I have said or written at a time of crisis, only to regret it after some time. Lately, I have however harnessed the wisdom of waiting it out, and saying or doing nothing no matter how much I'm tempted to react. It takes a great deal of determination to NOT DO something when you really feel that you have a right to say or do something in return.

With time, you cool down and even more interestingly, you begin to look at the same situation you were aching to react to in an entirely different way. This is the time when you realize that it was wise to not react too quickly, you have nothing to regret and should you act now, it will only be because it is necessary and you are now much wiser to handle the consequences of your actions.

Think about instances in your life when you had to resist the near-overwhelming urge to react to something. How did you manage to hold on and deal with the situation much later? Was the decision to wait a wise one? Has this made you better placed to deal with future situations and decisions that demand patience and tolerance.

Do you currently have very strong feelings of dissent about someone or something? Do you feel wronged and offended? Are you considering giving as good as you got and avenging yourself?
Well, take time and hold out. Give yourself a definite time to wait until you can deal with the situation or the person. It will surprise you how different your feelings and attitude will change after the waiting period.

Don't eat the marshmallow, yet.
In other news, success is also heavily hinged on our ability to wait. In his famous and engaging 2009 TED Talk, Joachim de Posada still reminds you to not eat the marshmallow... yet.



Have a great day.

Reprimanding Loved Ones

Love is a #$%^&%*...

Back in the day, I was watching the movie Old School and heard these words by a waiter, words that would ordinarily be ignored, or worse, be taken in bad taste.
Well, the movie starts with Mitch speaking about how hard it is to find true love. This is further emphasized when he gets back home earlier than expected, only to discover that his girlfriend Heidi is being blatantly unfaithful...

That aside, I have often been surprised, in fact infuriated, by how people who are supposedly close and in love treat each other. That intolerance, the irritating habit of blowing things out of proportion and throwing tantrums as if either of the parties is eagerly waiting for the other to make a small mistake... that is what largely kept me away from relationships in my younger years. In fact, I nowadays keep these pretentious liaisons at bay because of many reasons, this one being a prime reason.

So what makes people behave this way?

It so happens that when people get really close, they somewhat idolize each other. There is the illusion that the significant other is such a good person, you stop seeing their human imperfections and imagine that they cannot go wrong. You see everything by and about them as prefect and therefore invariably right.

With time however, reality checks in and mistakes and defects of character start manifesting themselves. As Stephen King put it,

once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome…

This unfortunately is the time when people incessantly judge and misunderstand each other, words and deeds are misinterpreted and quarrels become the order of the day.

How to Deal With This

The easiest solution is to simply understand that even those close to us are still human and are therefore not immune to every-day screw-ups in life. They are not perfect, they make mistakes and the reason we are together is so that we can add value in each others life, thereby becoming better persons.

Relationships, be they personal or professional, are not about two perfect entities interacting closely. They are about perfecting, and that can only be done on something on, and by persons who are inherently imperfect.

If the love and affection that brings two people together is genuine, these two people need to be accommodating, lenient and immensely understanding. Solutions should be sought using meaningful and mature dialogue.

Avoiding Emotional Imprisonment and Harassment

"And after all this time,

I just hope you understand,

Sometimes the clothes,

Do not make the man."

- George Michael, Freedom '90

I continue to be tremendously upset by the irrational things people do in the name of being in love. Yeah right, you might say... What does a guy who prefers not to be in a relationship have to say about them?
Well, you actually don't have to be a rocket scientist to know what a problematic relationship is.

The Stacy Situation
This past weekend, a close friend told me how his neighbor is having relationship issues that are largely self inflicted. We shall call this neighbor Stacy [not her real name] for the purposes of this story.

It so happens that Stacy has previously been cheated on, dumped for her best friend by yet another boyfriend and almost gave up on dating and relationships. Within a year of staying 'single and uninterested', Stacy chanced upon her knight in shining armor, a guy who despite her reluctance, was unrelenting in his quest to win her heart... As I listened to this story, Alanis Morissette's Precious Illusions was playing in my head...

You'll rescue me right? In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right? When your healing powers kick in
You'll complete me right? Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? Only when you realize the gem I am.

Anyway, she soon realized that her new love life was indeed ironic, that life invariably has a not-funny-at-all way of sneaking up on you when you think everything is all okay and going right.
The biggest problem she had to deal with was her boyfriend's insecurity and its attendant issues. At first, she thought that he was being jealous and protective of his woman. In just a few months, he went beyond being over protective. He was rude to her friends, strongly suggested that she no longer interacts with her male friends and started bringing up arguments over petty things.

Unknown to her, Sam [let's give him a name too] had been snooping on her phone. He routinely checked out her phonebook contacts, call logs and messages.
He would be keen to ask her who was calling and why whenever she received a call from a guy in his presence. Stacy started getting worried, but decided to let it slide since he treated her like a queen in all other matters.

The incident that finally nudged her from a deep slumber happened last Saturday, while they both were in Sam's house. One of her male friends called and she picked, but said nothing. Assuming that it was a network problem, the guy called again and she did the same thing. He made one final attempt and Stacy rejected the call this time around.
While all this was happening, Sam was beside her in bed, silently burning in anger.

The Jude Situation
The following morning at about 10AM, the guy called again. She accepted the call but said nothing. Sam came to her and angrily asked her who it was that was calling her. Stacy said that was a friend. At this point, Sam grabbed her phone and checked out her call log, the last call was by a guy named Jude. Sam knew this guy had been friends with her for over three years. Stacy had assured Sam that she never dated Jude, and further said that they very rarely were in touch.

Sam started a war of words, loudly wondering why this Jude guy was calling. On her part, Stacy said she declined to pick the calls or engage in conversation because Sam obviously has issues with all her male friends. She politely requested him to stop chaperoning her.

At this point, Sam lost it and instructed Stacy to call Jude, and firmly put him off, reminding him that she had asked him to never call her. Interestingly, Stacy had never told Jude to stay out of touch. Hurting inside, she however opted to play along and called Jude. Her voice shaking, she "reminded" him that she had asked him not to be calling her.

Hours later when she left Sam's house, Stacy sent Jude and text and tried to explain the mid-morning situation...

Principles of Social Freedom
Listening to the above story, I wondered why some people do some things to people they allegedly love. In addition, I wondered why some girls let people deny them their rights of expression and interaction with those they opt to.

At the risk of sounding like an old record, I shall reiterate that people should learn how to let go and walk away from bad relationships. And fight the temptation to go back. Stacy is gradually setting herself up for assault and domestic violence should she end up with this bozo. He comes across as the kind of guy who can go and rough up his wife's boss. He might as well raise hell for Stacy's brother, asking him why he's calling his own sister. Damn!

What to Do?

I bet it'll sound better and perchance, be more compelling if what I need to say is conveyed by Victoria C. Woodhull, the very first US female presidential candidate who openly spoke and wrote about suffrage, free love and eugenics. I'll let her tell it like it is.

Carefully consider the following from her 1871 speech about the principles of social freedom.

What is the legitimate sequence of Social Freedom? To which I unhesitatingly reply: Free Love, or freedom of the affections. “And are you a Free Lover?” is the almost incredulous query.

And to those who denounce me for this I reply: “Yes, I am a Free Lover. I have an inalienable, constitutional and natural right to love whom I may, to love as long or as short a period as I can; to change that love every day if I please, and with that right neither you nor any law you can frame have any right to interfere. And I have the further right to demand a free and unrestricted exercise of that right, and it is your duty not only to accord it, but, as a community, to see that I am protected in it. I trust that I am fully understood, for I mean just that, and nothing less!

I claim that freedom means to be free. And I claim that love means an exhibition of the affections. And therefore, in compounding these words into Free Love, I claim that united they mean, and should be used to convey, their united definitions. And when the term Free Love finds a place in dictionaries, it will prove my claim to have been correct,since it will not be set down to signify sexual debauchery, and that only, or in any governing sense.

Need I say more?

Love, Relationships and Violence

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living wih the results of other people's thinking."

- Steve Jobs [in his 2005 Stanford commencement address]

Self Righteousness

When I watched Jonathan Haidt's TED Talk about Morality and Openness to Experience, it became clear to me that being subjective in any decision making is the primary reason we are rarely open minded. In other words, objectivity can only prevail when we do not take sides.

Unfortunately, every one of us thinks they are invariably right.
This is why it is very difficult to tell someone that s/he is making the wrong decisions in life.

Abusive Relationships

That said, I took time this morning to listen to Jam 316, hosted by Frederick Njiiri on Radio 316. Listeners were calling in to share their views after a lady called in, wondering what to do since her husband beats her up.

When asked if she has shared her predicament with her family or close friends, she said that she hasn't, because she will be embarassed when others know that she is a victim of domestic violence.

As I listened to divergent opinions from other listeners who called in or shared on the show's Facebook page, I was vexed by two things:

1. a majority has gradually accepted that physical abuse by one spouse in marriages and relationships is a perfectly normal, natural and ordinary thing.
2. victims of domestic violence are unable to leave abusive relationships because of kids, stigma and a dependence on the abusive spouse or partner.

Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze?

I find it really hard to understand why people

Granted, I am not married nor in a relationship, those are situations I have opted to stay out of as long as possible for reasons that are beyond the scope of this post.

My question however remains: Are the people we closely relate with really indispensable?

Is it so hard to leave a situation that adversely affects you? Is there a shortage of spouses and partners in life, that I unaware of? What happened to freedom and choice? Is continually living with some people really worth the trouble?

Self Deprecation

Stephen King, in The Dark Tower, writes

True love, like any other strong and addictive drug, is boring—once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome.
. . except, of course, to those who share the kisses, who give and take the caresses while every sound and color of the world seems to deepen and brighten around them. As with any other strong drug, true first love is really only interesting to those who have become its prisoners.
And, as is true of any other strong and addicting drug, true first love is dangerous.

His words somewhat explain the irrational behavior that many people exhibit when they are in relationships.

The Idea of True Love

I subscribe to the Christian faith, but I contend that some definitions hold true universally. In her song My Idea of Heaven, Leigh Nash concludes that being with family is indeed her idea of Heaven.

In my mind, families are predicated on relationships. Family should therefore be the last place where one should be harmed - especially relationships and families that we get into voluntarily through dating and marriage.

Furthermore, I have always maintained that things don't get bad over time, they start bad.
1 Corinthians 13 provides us with a very good definition of love. Have a look at it and should you be in a situation that falls short of this, my advice is that you should get out of it as soon as possible. It surely isn't worth your while.

Human Becoming - Practical Steps to Self-Respect and CompassionateRelationships [Get the FREE eBook]

“Once awareness is free,
intent will redirect it into a new evolutionary path.”
- Carlos Castaneda

Well, I have always believed in Learning and Sharing. Because only then can we individually and collectively become better persons, by positively affecting the lives of those we interact with.

That said, I recently downloaded a very profound eBook by one Dr. David Richo [no relations].

The book is titled "Human Becoming. Practical Steps to Self-Respect and Compassionate Relationships" It is in fact a collection of excerpts from his many books and manuscripts.

Dr Richo introduces the book this way:

"We are put on earth a little space,
That we may learn to bear the beams of love."
– William Blake

It is my considered opinion that you'll find this book worthwhile.
After reading the Introduction, I am so looking forward to reading the rest of the book.

Following is an excerpt of the Introduction:

FIRST THINGS FIRST

"There is a grace-full force in us and in the universe. It is a lively energy that is always at work so that we will become fully human. To be fully human is to be as loving as we can be, as free of ego fear and clinging, and as generous as we can be with our innate gifts and talents. This takes psychological work on ourselves and a spiritual practice. When we are committed to such a program, we feel joy and self-respect because we are fulfilling our deepest purpose in life."

PRACTICAL STEPS

"Practical steps are about doing things in new ways. But doing is not the whole picture. We are also receiving graces that assist us. We become fully human not by our efforts alone but also by the assistance of a higher power than our ego that complements our psychological work and our spiritual practice. Abundant grace is surrounding us right now and can be trusted to help us cross our next bridge or threshold."

The chapters are as follows:

Who we really are
Our personal purpose and calling
In the house of the healthy psyche
Dialoguing with the inner critic
Building self-respect and lovingkindness
The givens of life: the things we cannot change
The f.a.c.e. of ego
Befriending our shadow
How to s.e.e.
The cradling technique
Freedom from fears: an inventory and affirmations
Working with abandonment and engulfment fears
Handling our loneliness
Standing alone at the edge of the void
A checklist on boundaries in relationship
Conflict vs. drama
Anger or abuse?
No more punishing or placating
Releasing guilt and forgiveness
When our feelings are hurt
Love and control
Pausing to find our space
Mindfulness
Love as a practice
Lovingkindness
Egoless love
Fate or destiny?
Wholeness within
Unconditional love
Conclusion: What makes us human

Get the eBook

If you'd like a free copy of this eBook, download it from David Richo's web site.
It's in PDF format [684KB], 98 pages.

I bet many of you will find this is a most valuable book, now that Valentines Day is just around the corner.