Reprimanding Loved Ones

Love is a #$%^&%*...

Back in the day, I was watching the movie Old School and heard these words by a waiter, words that would ordinarily be ignored, or worse, be taken in bad taste.
Well, the movie starts with Mitch speaking about how hard it is to find true love. This is further emphasized when he gets back home earlier than expected, only to discover that his girlfriend Heidi is being blatantly unfaithful...

That aside, I have often been surprised, in fact infuriated, by how people who are supposedly close and in love treat each other. That intolerance, the irritating habit of blowing things out of proportion and throwing tantrums as if either of the parties is eagerly waiting for the other to make a small mistake... that is what largely kept me away from relationships in my younger years. In fact, I nowadays keep these pretentious liaisons at bay because of many reasons, this one being a prime reason.

So what makes people behave this way?

It so happens that when people get really close, they somewhat idolize each other. There is the illusion that the significant other is such a good person, you stop seeing their human imperfections and imagine that they cannot go wrong. You see everything by and about them as prefect and therefore invariably right.

With time however, reality checks in and mistakes and defects of character start manifesting themselves. As Stephen King put it,

once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome…

This unfortunately is the time when people incessantly judge and misunderstand each other, words and deeds are misinterpreted and quarrels become the order of the day.

How to Deal With This

The easiest solution is to simply understand that even those close to us are still human and are therefore not immune to every-day screw-ups in life. They are not perfect, they make mistakes and the reason we are together is so that we can add value in each others life, thereby becoming better persons.

Relationships, be they personal or professional, are not about two perfect entities interacting closely. They are about perfecting, and that can only be done on something on, and by persons who are inherently imperfect.

If the love and affection that brings two people together is genuine, these two people need to be accommodating, lenient and immensely understanding. Solutions should be sought using meaningful and mature dialogue.

Righting Wrongs and Taking A Different Road

Late last year, I fell out with both a close friend and neighbor. Looking back, whatever occasioned our disagreement in such an intense manner now looks trivial, even shameful.

This month, we reconciled and as of yesterday, we are like the best of friends with a renewed friendship, lots of respect and selfless kindness. It is my hope that we infinitely remain that way.

Making Amends

 

In January 2009, I watched an episode of CSI where a guy lost his life after he tried to make amends. In the episode 'Killer' (CSI s6e14), Karl Cooper, upon his release from prison after serving seven years for robbery, kills the guy who ratted him out. Ironically, it is this victim who had actually contacted Karl, since he was '12 stepping'. An attempt to make amends sadly cost him his life.

Thinking about the aforementioned episode, I wrote a Facebook Note in February 2009, in which I explored the following two steps:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Apparently, making amends can also be self harming, as Karl's victim came to find out.
With that in mind, I am usually torn between whether or not to make some amends that have been pending for a while... My excuse being that those who crafted step 9 forgot to include "injure us" as a result of seeking to make amends.

There are two very interesting things to making amends:

I. Whenever you make amends, a very big weight is lifted off your shoulders. While it's especially hard for some people to make amends, eating humble pie, stooping low and being bold enough to accept wrongs were committed and acknowledge the need for closure is all it takes. And it may surprise you that those you once wronged actually have no ill feelings at all.

II. It's worth noting that making amends may not always turn out well. Like our victim in CSI, those you once wronged may be quite unwilling to forgive and let go. Some may even see this as an opportunity to revenge and/or punish you. But take heart. The apostle Paul talks about maintaining a clear conscience. Once you do your part, God will handle the rest. "And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men" - Acts 24:16 (KJV).

My friends, I now urge you to go out and make amends. Remember that colleague you back-stabbed the other day? Or that guy you still owe money? What about that childhood friend you lost courtesy of a few careless words? And do you have any issues between you and God that are still unattended?
Take the bold step number 8. But be careful, and ensure your decision is informed by the (somewhat incomplete) insurance that step 9 accords you before you go making any amends.

All in all, purpose to secure a clear conscience before both God and men. That is what matters after all. Regardless of how it turns out.

A Different Road
Upon effecting such far reaching change in life,  it is necessary to ensure that offenses are not repeated. There must be a complete deviation in lifestyle, habits and anything else that led to the mistakes that needed to be corrected.

At this point, one needs to take a different road. For the simple reason that you might end up being too slow while attempting to run ahead.
Only then does sustained and meaningful change happen. When we humbly and sincerely right wrongs.

:)