Love, Relationships and Violence

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living wih the results of other people's thinking."

- Steve Jobs [2005 Stanford commencement address]

Self Righteousness

When I watched Jonathan Haidt's TED Talk about Morality and Openness to Experience, it became clear to me that being subjective in any decision making is the primary reason we are rarely open minded. In other words, objectivity can only prevail when we do not take sides.

Unfortunately, every one of us thinks they are invariably right. This is why it is very difficult to tell someone that s/he is making the wrong decisions in life.


Abusive Relationships

That said, I remember listening to Jam 316 a while back, hosted by Frederick Njiiri on Family Radio 316. Listeners were calling in to share their views after a lady called in, wondering what to do since her husband beats her up.

When asked if she has shared her predicament with her family or close friends, she said that she hasn't, because she will be embarrassed when others know that she is a victim of domestic violence.

As I listened to divergent opinions from other listeners who called in or shared on the show's Facebook page, I was vexed by two things:

1. a majority has gradually accepted that physical abuse by one spouse in marriages and relationships is a perfectly normal, natural and ordinary thing.
2. victims of domestic violence are unable to leave abusive relationships because of kids, stigma and a dependence on the abusive spouse or partner.

Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze?

I find it really hard to understand why people feel that they need other people to complete them. Or why people feel this irresistible urge to get into marriage. When shall we come to realize that other people should only complement, but not complete us?

Granted, I am not married nor in a relationship, those are situations I have opted to stay out of as long as possible for reasons that are beyond the scope of this post.

My question however remains: Are the people we closely relate with really indispensable?

Is it so hard to leave a situation that adversely affects you? Is there a shortage of spouses and partners in life, that I am unaware of? What happened to freedom and choice? Is continually living with some people really worth the trouble?


Self Deprecation

Stephen King, in The Dark Tower, writes

True love, like any other strong and addictive drug, is boring—once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome.
. . except, of course, to those who share the kisses, who give and take the caresses while every sound and color of the world seems to deepen and brighten around them. As with any other strong drug, true first love is really only interesting to those who have become its prisoners.
And, as is true of any other strong and addicting drug, true first love is dangerous.

His words somewhat explain the irrational behavior that many people exhibit when they are in relationships.

The Idea of True Love

Regardless of one's religious leanings or otherwise, I contend that some definitions hold true universally. In her song My Idea of Heaven, Leigh Nash concludes that being with family is indeed her idea of heaven.

In my mind, families are predicated on relationships. Family should therefore be the last place where one should be harmed - especially relationships and families that we create voluntarily through dating and marriage.

Furthermore, I have always maintained that things don't get bad over time, they start bad.
1 Corinthians 13 provides us with a very good definition of love. Have a look at it and should you be in a situation that falls short of this, my advice is that you should get out of it as soon as possible. It surely isn't worth your while.


* * *

 Every single I come across a media report where someone seriously harmed, or even killed a love interest or spouse, it makes me realize just how worthless some people consider others to be.
To forestall such unfortunate happenings, people, and especially women should realize that violence, in all its forms, has no place in any relationship. Learn to view yourself, and thereby live, according to how you view yourself. Not how he views you. There's no shortage of people who'll treat you with respect elsewhere in the world. Here's Orianthi with According to You.

Accepting Ourselves Unconditionally

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."

- Marianne Williamson (Our Deepest Fear).

Less than a week ago, I engaged in lengthy discourse with a most interesting friend. Much later, I realized that one of the salient takeaways from our discussion was the pressing issue of unconditional acceptance, vulnerability and human frailty.

You see, we live in a very demanding world that continually seeks the best of us. We feel that we need to look our best, make the best impressions and continually project perfection in how we look, talk and do things.

Interestingly, we are not perfect. Human beings make errors, have frailties and fall short in many ways. I've often wondered why some people wear make up, subject themselves to painful and costly plastic surgery, and mask scars in a vain effort to portray themselves as something they are not. This, I believe, is due to a vanity that makes us feel unworthy as we are and unacceptable to both ourselves and others unless we present ourselves as something different and much better than we already are.

For a long time, I have always held the view that any person who cannot accept me as I am, anyone who fails to judge me on the basis of my knowledge and skills, such a person doesn't deserve my attention. Since I made a decision to no longer seek other people's approval in pursuing my goals, finding purpose and in the way I lead my own life, I have deliberately stayed away from persons who dismiss me on the basis of a myopic understanding of my current circumstances.

We need to accept ourselves as we are. We should understand that we are enough. True, we may feel vulnerable and exposed as our true selves. But that is what and who we are. Sugar-coating, pretenses and embellishment makes us more acceptable, but vastly undermines our true worth.

Following is a TED Talk on Vulnerability that Brene Brown delivered back in 2010.


In the video above, Brene talks about the power of vulnerability.
She ends her talk in a most profound way:

I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

Here's the transcript to Brene Brown's TED Talk.

Modern Love and Other Interactions in 2014

"We can never bring it about that we require nothing outside ourselves to preserve our being, nor that we live without having dealings with things outside us." 

- Benedict Spinoza, in Ethics.

Prior to writing this post, I've had to listen to this podcast on Modern Love [mp3], read the short story 'A Good Man is Hard to Find' by Flannery O'Connor, read about losing yourself in a relationship in this 'Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness' cautionary tale and made a searching and fearless moral inventory of my interactions with those who I've so far had any sort of affection for.

That said, today's post is simply an amalgamation of varying viewpoints, highlights and personal thoughts about this most interesting of human interactions - love.

A Love Most Interesting.

First of all, a question: Can love be endless?
I bet you'd also want to find out how a man can spend over a decade in love with a woman who doesn't exist. Even more interesting, what would you consider the worst first date of all time? Well, check out this podcast on Modern Love to find out.

Relationships with Others

Almost 4 years ago, I came across a document that profoundly challenged my views in regard to how we should relate with others. In our continued search for meaning, satisfaction and fulfillment which goes way beyond transient happiness, relationships are crucial.

Life is more fulfilling when one genuinely cares for others. Interestingly, a lack of true friends always becomes a very big crisis later on in life. Needless to say, human beings become depressed when they are alone for far too long.
It is partly thanks to the foregoing that inasmuch as I revel in my own company, I remain cognizant to the glaring fact that there is both a need and place for other people in my life. Interactions therefore, are necessary in life.

In 2014, my long-planned journey of touching countless lives, albeit one life at a time through my writing, begins in earnest. Every time I speak about things I am passionate about, I get to realize just how much there is to say and even more important, just how much more there is to learn.
Just like Flannery O'Connor, I now realize that it is by telling stories that I can best communicate. She says:

“A story is a way to say something that can’t be said any other way, and it takes every word in the story to say what the meaning is.”
― Flannery O'Connor

When we carefully examine how we live with others, it becomes apparent that there are many DOs and DONTs that govern how we relate be it with family, friends, colleagues at home or at school, acquaintances or total strangers. Whatever the interaction, some mutual respect and basic etiquette are always a good start to sustain any useful discourse.

Should this not be forthcoming from any or both parties, there would be no sustained dialogue or any communication at all. No meaningful interaction can then occur.
Doing the right thing is just one tenet of managing to live with others in harmony, and only then can one find true fulfillment in a world filled with others whose way or viewing things may be profoundly different. That is where virtue comes in. As Benedict Spinoza writes in Ethics:

"...the very foundation of virtue is this very striving to preserve one's own being, and that happiness consists in a man's being able to preserve his being. Again, it follows that we can never bring it about that we require nothing outside ourselves to preserve our being, nor that we live without having dealings with things outside us...There are, therefore, many things outside us which are useful to us, and on that account to be sought."

All in all, it is only by abandoning a foolish quest for the ephemeral rewards of happiness, wealth and power that you can begin to look for your true calling on this earth.
What it is that you will be seeking in 2014?

* * * * *

One Month Later...

I end this post by looking back at a day that was "touched by love." On December 7, 2013, "the harmony of love met with the melody of life to create a beautiful love song."

Exactly one month ago, I joined family, friends and well-wishers in celebration of Winni and George's wedding. It was a most colorful day, and my best wishes invariably remain with them even as they ended 2013 by beginning a new life together, a new family and all the good things that await them on their best days ahead. Together.

In sum, 2013 was a very good year.
It was the end of something. It was the beginning of everything.

Beginning with the End in Mind

In the last post, I recounted what largely occupied my mind after spending most of Saturday with my dear friend K. That post about The Fullness of Time did not capture the full extent of our insightful and thought provoking discourse throughout the day.

As is often the practice, I saved the best for last and today, I am pleased to present part 2 of my ruminations.
In a nutshell, this post comprises thoughts on why we wake up every morning, why we even plan or get anything done at all... essentially, the very qualification of hope.

It should be noted that in this post, I'll liberally use some happenings in my own life to illustrate some of the salient points.

Destiny: Purpose or Fate?

When I resigned from formal employment back in December 2005, I was determined to never return to what I invariably refer to as a rat race where consumerism is unnecessarily glorified. I had and still hold the firm belief that there is more to life than just making money and then spending it all. True, there are different strokes for different folk, and I also appreciate that it is "to each his/her own" in most things in life. As such, what has worked for me may not necessarily work for others.

Looking back, I'm proud that I've been and continue to realize my goals first as a freelancer and now as a creative entrepreneur. All thanks to self employment.

The reason I bring this up is that when I quit my job, I knew that my destiny would be shaped by that very decision. I was however keen to do all the needful to ensure that it'd be a function of purpose, and not fate from then on. I've in the past written about destiny, purpose and fate here.

It is in setting up the goals (some lofty) that I perpetually aspire to achieve that I've find my purpose in life. When I began, I knew where I wanted to end up. I am not there yet and often times are in repair, but knowing where I'm headed makes all the difference. Sometimes, it takes a strong will, a stronger won't or simply knowing what you don't want to become.

All Things are Created Twice

At the aforementioned times, I hadn't come across Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

For example, my modest den is scheduled for some modifications, comprising enlarging my living room and adding an extra floor. Even before I start sourcing for construction materials, I have already seen the resulting structure in my mind time and again. This is well explained in the 2nd Habit: Beginning with the End in Mind together with the following points:

• All things are created twice. There is a mental (first) creation, and a physical (second) creation. The physical creation follows the mental, just as a building follows a blueprint.
• Begin with the End in Mind means to begin each day, task, or project with a clear vision of your desired direction and destination, and then continue by flexing your proactive muscles to make things happen.
• If your ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step you take gets you to the wrong place faster.

Hope Doesn't Disappoint

With K, we long agonized in trying to draw the line between blatantly assuming that things will definitely go a certain way in line with our desires, or blindingly hoping even when it is clear that the outcome will most likely be different.

In matters of hope, I never fail to quote the following:

Hope is the bridge that connects you to where you want to go,
Faith assures you that the bridge will hold,
Love gives you a reason to cross it.

Thing is, I see no need to hope for obvious things that are in the process of happening, inasmuch as there's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip.
For me, Hope and Faith often work in concert, as outlined in the Bible:

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
- Hebrews 11:1 (KJV)

"And hope does not disappoint us..."
- Romans 5:5 (NIV)

To echo Barack Obama's words on hope:

Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, and to work for it, and to fight for it.
Hope is the belief that destiny will not be written for us, but by us, by the men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is, who have the courage to remake the world as it should be.

In my mind, beginning with the end in mind is what makes one go beyond freshman year in college, graduation with honors being the ultimate goal. It's what makes parents spend huge amounts educating their kids, with no assurance that the kids will not drop out or otherwise not work hard in school.
Beginning with the end in mind is why businesses are started, with the goal of breaking even, returning a profit and ultimately increasing the owner or shareholders' worth. It is what lets an expectant mother love her unborn child, with no way of knowing if the baby will be born at all or even once delivered, end up vexing her a la Kevin.

In sum, life offers no guarantees. There are no assurances that loving people will make them love us back. Only the knowledge that such love is not in vain no matter how it goes is what keeps the love going. By extension, nobody knows what tomorrow holds. The mere hope that the day will be much better if we do something to make it so, is all that matters. After all, of what use would life be if we all knew what is in store for us? Methinks that is the same reason immortality isn't exactly that much appealing.

Not knowing what will happen next is in my mind the best incentive to change things and thereby shape our destiny.

Finally, another photo of the amazingly beautiful place K and I visited as we discussed the above.

Towards Greater Love

This has got to be one of the shortest posts I've ever written on The Walkabout. It however is, in my opinion, totally profound. Following is the reason why:

Remain true to yourself, but move ever upward toward greater consciousness and greater love! At the summit you will find yourselves united with all those who, from every direction, have made the same ascent. For everything that rises must converge.

The above quote by French Philosopher Pierre Teilhard De Chardin is from his 'Omega Point'. It inspired Flannery O'Connor's 'Everything That Rises Must Converge'. It is one of the best stories I've ever read. Flannery's similarly titled book, was referenced in The Incident [part 1], an episode in the popular TV Series LOST.

Thanks to copyright restrictions, I cannot post the story online. But here's an analysis of Everything That Rises Must Converge.

All in all, unconditional love is what the world needs.

Have a great day awesome people!

Reprimanding Loved Ones

Love is a #$%^&%*...

Back in the day, I was watching the movie Old School and heard these words by a waiter, words that would ordinarily be ignored, or worse, be taken in bad taste.
Well, the movie starts with Mitch speaking about how hard it is to find true love. This is further emphasized when he gets back home earlier than expected, only to discover that his girlfriend Heidi is being blatantly unfaithful...

That aside, I have often been surprised, in fact infuriated, by how people who are supposedly close and in love treat each other. That intolerance, the irritating habit of blowing things out of proportion and throwing tantrums as if either of the parties is eagerly waiting for the other to make a small mistake... that is what largely kept me away from relationships in my younger years. In fact, I nowadays keep these pretentious liaisons at bay because of many reasons, this one being a prime reason.

So what makes people behave this way?

It so happens that when people get really close, they somewhat idolize each other. There is the illusion that the significant other is such a good person, you stop seeing their human imperfections and imagine that they cannot go wrong. You see everything by and about them as prefect and therefore invariably right.

With time however, reality checks in and mistakes and defects of character start manifesting themselves. As Stephen King put it,

once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome…

This unfortunately is the time when people incessantly judge and misunderstand each other, words and deeds are misinterpreted and quarrels become the order of the day.

How to Deal With This

The easiest solution is to simply understand that even those close to us are still human and are therefore not immune to every-day screw-ups in life. They are not perfect, they make mistakes and the reason we are together is so that we can add value in each others life, thereby becoming better persons.

Relationships, be they personal or professional, are not about two perfect entities interacting closely. They are about perfecting, and that can only be done on something on, and by persons who are inherently imperfect.

If the love and affection that brings two people together is genuine, these two people need to be accommodating, lenient and immensely understanding. Solutions should be sought using meaningful and mature dialogue.

Avoiding Emotional Imprisonment and Harassment

"And after all this time,

I just hope you understand,

Sometimes the clothes,

Do not make the man."

- George Michael, Freedom '90

I continue to be tremendously upset by the irrational things people do in the name of being in love. Yeah right, you might say... What does a guy who prefers not to be in a relationship have to say about them?
Well, you actually don't have to be a rocket scientist to know what a problematic relationship is.

The Stacy Situation
This past weekend, a close friend told me how his neighbor is having relationship issues that are largely self inflicted. We shall call this neighbor Stacy [not her real name] for the purposes of this story.

It so happens that Stacy has previously been cheated on, dumped for her best friend by yet another boyfriend and almost gave up on dating and relationships. Within a year of staying 'single and uninterested', Stacy chanced upon her knight in shining armor, a guy who despite her reluctance, was unrelenting in his quest to win her heart... As I listened to this story, Alanis Morissette's Precious Illusions was playing in my head...

You'll rescue me right? In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right? When your healing powers kick in
You'll complete me right? Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? Only when you realize the gem I am.

Anyway, she soon realized that her new love life was indeed ironic, that life invariably has a not-funny-at-all way of sneaking up on you when you think everything is all okay and going right.
The biggest problem she had to deal with was her boyfriend's insecurity and its attendant issues. At first, she thought that he was being jealous and protective of his woman. In just a few months, he went beyond being over protective. He was rude to her friends, strongly suggested that she no longer interacts with her male friends and started bringing up arguments over petty things.

Unknown to her, Sam [let's give him a name too] had been snooping on her phone. He routinely checked out her phonebook contacts, call logs and messages.
He would be keen to ask her who was calling and why whenever she received a call from a guy in his presence. Stacy started getting worried, but decided to let it slide since he treated her like a queen in all other matters.

The incident that finally nudged her from a deep slumber happened last Saturday, while they both were in Sam's house. One of her male friends called and she picked, but said nothing. Assuming that it was a network problem, the guy called again and she did the same thing. He made one final attempt and Stacy rejected the call this time around.
While all this was happening, Sam was beside her in bed, silently burning in anger.

The Jude Situation
The following morning at about 10AM, the guy called again. She accepted the call but said nothing. Sam came to her and angrily asked her who it was that was calling her. Stacy said that was a friend. At this point, Sam grabbed her phone and checked out her call log, the last call was by a guy named Jude. Sam knew this guy had been friends with her for over three years. Stacy had assured Sam that she never dated Jude, and further said that they very rarely were in touch.

Sam started a war of words, loudly wondering why this Jude guy was calling. On her part, Stacy said she declined to pick the calls or engage in conversation because Sam obviously has issues with all her male friends. She politely requested him to stop chaperoning her.

At this point, Sam lost it and instructed Stacy to call Jude, and firmly put him off, reminding him that she had asked him to never call her. Interestingly, Stacy had never told Jude to stay out of touch. Hurting inside, she however opted to play along and called Jude. Her voice shaking, she "reminded" him that she had asked him not to be calling her.

Hours later when she left Sam's house, Stacy sent Jude and text and tried to explain the mid-morning situation...

Principles of Social Freedom
Listening to the above story, I wondered why some people do some things to people they allegedly love. In addition, I wondered why some girls let people deny them their rights of expression and interaction with those they opt to.

At the risk of sounding like an old record, I shall reiterate that people should learn how to let go and walk away from bad relationships. And fight the temptation to go back. Stacy is gradually setting herself up for assault and domestic violence should she end up with this bozo. He comes across as the kind of guy who can go and rough up his wife's boss. He might as well raise hell for Stacy's brother, asking him why he's calling his own sister. Damn!

What to Do?

I bet it'll sound better and perchance, be more compelling if what I need to say is conveyed by Victoria C. Woodhull, the very first US female presidential candidate who openly spoke and wrote about suffrage, free love and eugenics. I'll let her tell it like it is.

Carefully consider the following from her 1871 speech about the principles of social freedom.

What is the legitimate sequence of Social Freedom? To which I unhesitatingly reply: Free Love, or freedom of the affections. “And are you a Free Lover?” is the almost incredulous query.

And to those who denounce me for this I reply: “Yes, I am a Free Lover. I have an inalienable, constitutional and natural right to love whom I may, to love as long or as short a period as I can; to change that love every day if I please, and with that right neither you nor any law you can frame have any right to interfere. And I have the further right to demand a free and unrestricted exercise of that right, and it is your duty not only to accord it, but, as a community, to see that I am protected in it. I trust that I am fully understood, for I mean just that, and nothing less!

I claim that freedom means to be free. And I claim that love means an exhibition of the affections. And therefore, in compounding these words into Free Love, I claim that united they mean, and should be used to convey, their united definitions. And when the term Free Love finds a place in dictionaries, it will prove my claim to have been correct,since it will not be set down to signify sexual debauchery, and that only, or in any governing sense.

Need I say more?

Love, Relationships and Violence

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living wih the results of other people's thinking."

- Steve Jobs [in his 2005 Stanford commencement address]

Self Righteousness

When I watched Jonathan Haidt's TED Talk about Morality and Openness to Experience, it became clear to me that being subjective in any decision making is the primary reason we are rarely open minded. In other words, objectivity can only prevail when we do not take sides.

Unfortunately, every one of us thinks they are invariably right.
This is why it is very difficult to tell someone that s/he is making the wrong decisions in life.

Abusive Relationships

That said, I took time this morning to listen to Jam 316, hosted by Frederick Njiiri on Radio 316. Listeners were calling in to share their views after a lady called in, wondering what to do since her husband beats her up.

When asked if she has shared her predicament with her family or close friends, she said that she hasn't, because she will be embarassed when others know that she is a victim of domestic violence.

As I listened to divergent opinions from other listeners who called in or shared on the show's Facebook page, I was vexed by two things:

1. a majority has gradually accepted that physical abuse by one spouse in marriages and relationships is a perfectly normal, natural and ordinary thing.
2. victims of domestic violence are unable to leave abusive relationships because of kids, stigma and a dependence on the abusive spouse or partner.

Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze?

I find it really hard to understand why people

Granted, I am not married nor in a relationship, those are situations I have opted to stay out of as long as possible for reasons that are beyond the scope of this post.

My question however remains: Are the people we closely relate with really indispensable?

Is it so hard to leave a situation that adversely affects you? Is there a shortage of spouses and partners in life, that I unaware of? What happened to freedom and choice? Is continually living with some people really worth the trouble?

Self Deprecation

Stephen King, in The Dark Tower, writes

True love, like any other strong and addictive drug, is boring—once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome.
. . except, of course, to those who share the kisses, who give and take the caresses while every sound and color of the world seems to deepen and brighten around them. As with any other strong drug, true first love is really only interesting to those who have become its prisoners.
And, as is true of any other strong and addicting drug, true first love is dangerous.

His words somewhat explain the irrational behavior that many people exhibit when they are in relationships.

The Idea of True Love

I subscribe to the Christian faith, but I contend that some definitions hold true universally. In her song My Idea of Heaven, Leigh Nash concludes that being with family is indeed her idea of Heaven.

In my mind, families are predicated on relationships. Family should therefore be the last place where one should be harmed - especially relationships and families that we get into voluntarily through dating and marriage.

Furthermore, I have always maintained that things don't get bad over time, they start bad.
1 Corinthians 13 provides us with a very good definition of love. Have a look at it and should you be in a situation that falls short of this, my advice is that you should get out of it as soon as possible. It surely isn't worth your while.

The Sex and Love Addiction Quagmire

NOTE:
This is the final post in my 3-part Valentines Day series. Read the First part and the Second part here.

I used to laugh whenever I read or heard that a certain celebutard had checked himself into a Sex Rehab facility. Tiger Woods, Eric Benét, Charlie Sheen... and the list goes on.

As I grew up and read more, I became more enlightened and open-minded. While in campus, a random book quickly turned into a gem that has so far liberated me emotionally, and helped me take charge of my love life. A love life which I must say, is quite simple but most uncommon.

That said, I bet I can now safely assume that you the reader, are now more open minded in regard to this very unconventional and searching perspective on our sex and love lives.



What is Love and Sex Addiction?

In his book Sex & Love: Addiction, Treatment and Recovery, Eric Griffin-Shelley notes that many of us are very hesitant to label someone an addict, owing to the stereotypes we have of addicts. We instead prefer to refer to these defects of character as "bad habits", something we find more palatable and socially acceptable.

The word addict has a Latin root, ad dictum, which means "to the dictator." When people were captured and sent into slavery, they were sent ad dictum. The idea of addiction as enslavement is something to which most addicts would readily agree. When you are addicted, you feel that you have no choice and are powerless to stop. Addicts are out of balance and out of control.

An addiction is an enslavement to an activity, person, or thing that is characterized by imbalance, lack of control, loss of power, distortion of values, inflexible centralness to the person's life, unhealthiness, pathology, chronicity, progression, and potential fatality. More simply put, an addict is a person who cannot say "no."

A sex and love addict cannot say "no" to his or her impulses to have sex or get into a love relationship. An addict is a person whose thoughts and behaviors are causing problems but who cannot stop them. In addition to these definitions, a sex and love addiction involves a high, tolerance, craving, dependence, withdrawal, obsession, compulsion, secrecy, and a personality change.

A Fearless Moral Inventory

"The unexamined life is not worth living."
- Socrates

Many of us have for a long time mistaken their sex and love addictions as a normal human need to love and be loved, to have company and to be in a meaningful relationship.

The biggest hindrance to tackling the sex and love addictions that many people are in, is the fact that sex and love matters are rarely discussed. Far too many people prefer to handle their own matters of the heart, which unfortunately is to their peril.

The 4th Step in most addicts anonymous recovery programs is a searching and fearless moral inventory of one's life. This then becomes a habitual thing, as espoused in step 10 where one continues to take personal inventory, and promptly admits when they find out they are wrong.

Following are the 12 Characteristics of Sex and Love addicts:

1 Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
2 Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God.
3 Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.
4 We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
5 We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
6 We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing, care, and support.
7 We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
8 We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
9 We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.
10 We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.
11 To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.
12 We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

If you still have lingering doubts whether or not you are an addict, you may want to ask yourself the more searching 40 Questions for Self Diagnosis.
Don't be surprised when you realize most of your answers are YES.

A Willingness to Change

"Now willing to listen and take suggestions, I have found that the process of discovering who I really am begins with knowing who I really don't want to be.
I have grown emotionally and intellectually. It has give me my sanity and an all-around sense of balance."
- Safe Haven (Personal Stories in the A.A. Big Book)

If you have gotten this far in this note, you may be wondering why all the details.
The reason is simple: It's not fitting to try to address a problem that is not well defined. As of now, you have found out exactly where you lie [no pun intended] in this sex and love addiction business.

Given what we now know, many would only want to change for better.
Additionally, you'll walk into Valentines well-knowing exactly what your affection for the other part(y)ies is. Is it genuine, healthy love, or a destructive sex and love addiction?

The good news is that you are not alone. Many others are seeking the same answers in their efforts to find meaning in their lives.

It is my believe that once enlightened, many people display an amazing ability to make decisions that lead to choices that greatly improve their lives.
This note shares that information, in the firm belief that you'll then go ahead and make good use of that information.

Now is the time to do the needful, even as we learn and share on matters that shape our lives.

Summary

In the first post, we learnt from David Richo what practical steps there are to help us become human, so that we can gain self respect and build healthy and compassionate relationships.

In the second post, we have sought to be open minded so as to better open our minds to scrutiny, self diagnosis and experience.

In this third and final post, we learn what sex and love addiction is, and further seek to find out if we are addicts or not. We can then use the knowledge so far gained to better define our relationships from now on.

RESOURCES

Sex and Love: Addiction, Treatment and Recovery by Eric Griffin-Shelley

40 Questions for Self Diagnosis

Porn Again Christian [free eBook Download]

Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction

Exiting the Moral Matrix: Ideology and Openness to Experience

NOTE:
This post is the second in my 3-part Valentines Day series, that seeks to take a different approach to Love and Valentines. The first one was Human Becoming: Practical Steps to Self Respect and Compassionate Relationships.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
- Herbert Spencer

Late last year, I watched Jonathan Haidt's TED Talk about Objectivity and the Moral Matrix.
His talk inspired this post on The Walkabout.

Nudity or Art?

Weeks later, I uploaded the following photo on Facebook, and a "good friend" whom I've known for years promptly reprimanded me by way of a phone call and a comment on Facebook. Ben's words [not ad verbum] were as follows:

"Pete you can surely do better. I am very ashamed to say the least..."

Well, I had no words for this guy. The fact that he was deeply offended by artwork, and chose to see nudity instead of art, makes me wonder what he'd say if he saw Michelangelo's David [above].

Talking about Sex

"The books the world calls immoral
are the books that show the world its shame."

- C S Lewis

Apparently, the human condition is such that we prefer to look at only one side of the coin. We usually choose to see what is bad, salacious or compromising.

Thing is, sometimes we are so deeply corrupted that we cannot tell that we are compromised in the first instance, let alone reckon to what extent.

When I was in Campus, my friend Fridah was shocked to see me reading Eric Griffin-Shelley's book 'Sex and Love: Addiction, Treatment and Recovery'. She loudly wondered why I would be reading such a book if I wasn't a recovering addict. She however changed her mind after she read several pages of the book.

You can in fact read this book at Questia.

Being Open-Minded

This post should prepare you for what we shall be looking at on Wednesday: Sex and Love Addiction.

Many of us would rather not even think about their sex lives and relationships, always reaching for the private, personal and similar cards whenever these topics are raised.

As Valentines Day approaches we need to be open minded and see ourselves for what we really are. Now is the time to sit ourselves down and take a more searching and serious look at our relationships.

You're be surprised at how much you've been wallowing in a miasma of deceit and self righteousness. Now is the time to get out of this quagmire.

Next, we take a look at The Sex and Love Addiction Quagmire - A Cautionary Tale

Human Becoming - Practical Steps to Self-Respect and CompassionateRelationships [Get the FREE eBook]

“Once awareness is free,
intent will redirect it into a new evolutionary path.”
- Carlos Castaneda

Well, I have always believed in Learning and Sharing. Because only then can we individually and collectively become better persons, by positively affecting the lives of those we interact with.

That said, I recently downloaded a very profound eBook by one Dr. David Richo [no relations].

The book is titled "Human Becoming. Practical Steps to Self-Respect and Compassionate Relationships" It is in fact a collection of excerpts from his many books and manuscripts.

Dr Richo introduces the book this way:

"We are put on earth a little space,
That we may learn to bear the beams of love."
– William Blake

It is my considered opinion that you'll find this book worthwhile.
After reading the Introduction, I am so looking forward to reading the rest of the book.

Following is an excerpt of the Introduction:

FIRST THINGS FIRST

"There is a grace-full force in us and in the universe. It is a lively energy that is always at work so that we will become fully human. To be fully human is to be as loving as we can be, as free of ego fear and clinging, and as generous as we can be with our innate gifts and talents. This takes psychological work on ourselves and a spiritual practice. When we are committed to such a program, we feel joy and self-respect because we are fulfilling our deepest purpose in life."

PRACTICAL STEPS

"Practical steps are about doing things in new ways. But doing is not the whole picture. We are also receiving graces that assist us. We become fully human not by our efforts alone but also by the assistance of a higher power than our ego that complements our psychological work and our spiritual practice. Abundant grace is surrounding us right now and can be trusted to help us cross our next bridge or threshold."

The chapters are as follows:

Who we really are
Our personal purpose and calling
In the house of the healthy psyche
Dialoguing with the inner critic
Building self-respect and lovingkindness
The givens of life: the things we cannot change
The f.a.c.e. of ego
Befriending our shadow
How to s.e.e.
The cradling technique
Freedom from fears: an inventory and affirmations
Working with abandonment and engulfment fears
Handling our loneliness
Standing alone at the edge of the void
A checklist on boundaries in relationship
Conflict vs. drama
Anger or abuse?
No more punishing or placating
Releasing guilt and forgiveness
When our feelings are hurt
Love and control
Pausing to find our space
Mindfulness
Love as a practice
Lovingkindness
Egoless love
Fate or destiny?
Wholeness within
Unconditional love
Conclusion: What makes us human

Get the eBook

If you'd like a free copy of this eBook, download it from David Richo's web site.
It's in PDF format [684KB], 98 pages.

I bet many of you will find this is a most valuable book, now that Valentines Day is just around the corner.

Talent: Practice Doing What You Love, and Loving Your Work

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work.
The only way to do great work is to love what you do."
- Steve Jobs (addressing Stanford University students in 2005)

For a long time, there has been raging debate on the roles of both talent and practice in success. The ScienCentral Archive has a lengthy article that seeks to answer the question: Is talent something you're born with or can practice really make you perfect? You can read the entire article on Talent vs Practice here. Consider the following excerpt:

"Experts on expertise - who've studied the minds of experts in fields from sports to medicine - have the answer... that anyone with the right kind of practice will be able to dramatically improve their performance and it looks like they would be able to become experts with sufficient practice. "

In an article on expert performance and deliberate practice, K. Anders Ericsson underscores the notion that a high level of improvement can be achieved by deliberate practice. Experts are therefore able to find areas for improvement and focus their time and effort practising and improving those areas. That is what sets them apart form ordinary average persons. He writes,

“A lot of people like to do things that they’re already good at, but what deliberate practice says is that you need to find those things that you are weak at, since there’s room for improvement. That’s the activity you should focus on...”

As we seek to make ourselves better, brighter, faster, stronger, happier, healthier and smarter; we need to realize that the difference between ordinary and extra-ordinary is that little 'extra'. We can rise above our apparent limitations by practising.

One of the adverts I find inspiring focuses on 'the source of talent'. Following is the video and entire copy of the Wesbank TV ad.

WESBANK (The Source of Talent) TV ad

A recent study asked,
"Where does talent come from?"
Is it programmed at birth into a select few
Or is it something,
that can be drawn from you inch by inch?
Does it show itself a little more
Every time you challenge yourself?
What the study found was,
"Practice makes perfect"

Let us purpose to make the most of our talents. For those who find themselves in jobs that seemingly suck, learn how to love your work. That is the only way to doing great work.
We should always remember what Steve Jobs told students at Stanford University...

"...The only way to do great work is to love what you do."

Let us learn, share and become better at doing what we love.

It's true. We live in a Beautiful Place

Reminisce

Sometimes, it really feels good when you look back at the good old days. When there was love in our hearts. Before our hearts became dark and evil.

That beautiful place.....

[caption id="attachment_177" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="A Beautiful Place"][/caption]

Consider the following by Good Charlotte:

A Beautiful Place

By Good Charlotte

Mother can we start over?
I wanna be the boy I was back then
Before the world came, made me colder
I wanna feel the way I did back then
With love in my heart.

We live in a beautiful place
Let love take away all this pain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh
We wasted so many days
Our hearts are as dark as the rain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh

Father, can we start over?
Take me to the places that we lived
Before the days came, made us older
I wanna feel the way I did back then
Before my heart grew cold.

We live in a beautiful place
Let love take away all this pain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh
We wasted so many days
Our hearts are as dark as the rain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh, ah oh

Our hearts are as dark as the rain, ah oh
Our hearts are as dark as the rain, ah oh
It's a beautiful place if we make it
It's a beautiful place to be wasted, don’t you know?

We live in a beautiful place,
Let love take away all this pain,
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh
We live in a beautiful place,
Let love take away all this pain,
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh, ah oh
We wasted so many days
Our hearts are as dark as the rain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh, ah oh

The above lyrics and artist names are copyrighted to Good Charlotte. They appear  here for educational and personal use only.

Let us learn, share and continue acknowledging and appreciating the best in our world.

Yeah, we live in a beautiful place.