Love, Relationships and Violence

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living wih the results of other people's thinking."

- Steve Jobs [2005 Stanford commencement address]

Self Righteousness

When I watched Jonathan Haidt's TED Talk about Morality and Openness to Experience, it became clear to me that being subjective in any decision making is the primary reason we are rarely open minded. In other words, objectivity can only prevail when we do not take sides.

Unfortunately, every one of us thinks they are invariably right. This is why it is very difficult to tell someone that s/he is making the wrong decisions in life.


Abusive Relationships

That said, I remember listening to Jam 316 a while back, hosted by Frederick Njiiri on Family Radio 316. Listeners were calling in to share their views after a lady called in, wondering what to do since her husband beats her up.

When asked if she has shared her predicament with her family or close friends, she said that she hasn't, because she will be embarrassed when others know that she is a victim of domestic violence.

As I listened to divergent opinions from other listeners who called in or shared on the show's Facebook page, I was vexed by two things:

1. a majority has gradually accepted that physical abuse by one spouse in marriages and relationships is a perfectly normal, natural and ordinary thing.
2. victims of domestic violence are unable to leave abusive relationships because of kids, stigma and a dependence on the abusive spouse or partner.

Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze?

I find it really hard to understand why people feel that they need other people to complete them. Or why people feel this irresistible urge to get into marriage. When shall we come to realize that other people should only complement, but not complete us?

Granted, I am not married nor in a relationship, those are situations I have opted to stay out of as long as possible for reasons that are beyond the scope of this post.

My question however remains: Are the people we closely relate with really indispensable?

Is it so hard to leave a situation that adversely affects you? Is there a shortage of spouses and partners in life, that I am unaware of? What happened to freedom and choice? Is continually living with some people really worth the trouble?


Self Deprecation

Stephen King, in The Dark Tower, writes

True love, like any other strong and addictive drug, is boring—once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome.
. . except, of course, to those who share the kisses, who give and take the caresses while every sound and color of the world seems to deepen and brighten around them. As with any other strong drug, true first love is really only interesting to those who have become its prisoners.
And, as is true of any other strong and addicting drug, true first love is dangerous.

His words somewhat explain the irrational behavior that many people exhibit when they are in relationships.

The Idea of True Love

Regardless of one's religious leanings or otherwise, I contend that some definitions hold true universally. In her song My Idea of Heaven, Leigh Nash concludes that being with family is indeed her idea of heaven.

In my mind, families are predicated on relationships. Family should therefore be the last place where one should be harmed - especially relationships and families that we create voluntarily through dating and marriage.

Furthermore, I have always maintained that things don't get bad over time, they start bad.
1 Corinthians 13 provides us with a very good definition of love. Have a look at it and should you be in a situation that falls short of this, my advice is that you should get out of it as soon as possible. It surely isn't worth your while.


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 Every single I come across a media report where someone seriously harmed, or even killed a love interest or spouse, it makes me realize just how worthless some people consider others to be.
To forestall such unfortunate happenings, people, and especially women should realize that violence, in all its forms, has no place in any relationship. Learn to view yourself, and thereby live, according to how you view yourself. Not how he views you. There's no shortage of people who'll treat you with respect elsewhere in the world. Here's Orianthi with According to You.

Understanding Celebrity and Success

This first appears as a guest post on the Kawi Snippets blog.

A week ago, fellow scribe Kawiria proposed that I do a guest post in the 'What's Your Story' section of this site. Well, who am I to deny such an affable, lovely lass some words we can hopefully learn from? What gives me that right?

"Mama mama nataka kuwa rapper,

Mtoto wee umenishinda,

Nataka kuwa famous kama Kalamashaka.

Je ukishindwa?

Please nitakupa kile unachotaka,

Nataka tu kuwakilisha hip-hop culture.

Acha kuwa mjinga, 

Ni sawa tu.

Next utaiba,

Si hata hiyo, ni sawa tu?"

- Nazizi, Ni Sawa Tu.

So began the song that introduced Nazizi to the Kenyan music scene. She would later be christened the First Lady of Kenyan Hip-Hop. With Wyre and Bamzigi (who later left), Necessary Noize topped charts in East Africa and brought us household anthems such as Bless ma Room, Shujaa, Kenyan Boy Kenyan Girl and several other hits.
This is just one example of someone who sought celebrity from the start, and thankfully got it.

Thing is, almost everyone wants to be famous. In fact, the 'Zuqka' pullout in Daily Nation has "Be Famous" as its tagline.
We are so attracted to fame and fortune, that we spend hours watching other people making money from TV shows that supposedly reveal their "ordinary" lives. We then wonder how these same people are successful while we are not, forgetting that we made them rich as we bummed on the couch, thus elevating their TV ratings, and buying their merchandise. For the uninformed, reality shows such as Keeping up with the Kardashians, Nicolle Richie & Paris Hilton's The Simple Life.. even The Bachelor or The Bachelorette - these are all scripted.

Here then, is my story when it comes to fame, fortune, popularity, success and the celebrity lifestyle.


Back in the Day
Growing up in the 80s and 90s, I was a victim of Tall Poppy Syndrome both at school and in my neighborhood. Unpleasant as it was, I do believe this is the single most important thing to have happened in my life.

For this reason, I did not succumb to peer influence, never got the chance to hang out a lot with neighbors and friends and ultimately, learned to restrict my support group to my immediate family and others whose well scrutinized objectives and intentions I could trust. I was taught early on in life to define my success, and to never let the noise of other people's opinions drown out my inner voice.

In high school and at University, the situation was somewhat remedied by the fact that I was amongst equals - at least academically. Here, merit is what determined one's progress and our backgrounds rarely interfered with how we related to one another.


Fame, Popularity and Celebrity
The reason I am telling you about my background is to illustrate how I have escaped being hopelessly beholden to fleeting and material possessions that the few use to elevate themselves and look down on the majority who opt not to think on their own.
Thankfully, I remain impervious to the sway that politicians, musicians, TV and Radio personalities, the filthy rich, actors and others wrongly considered celebrities, do have on the masses. Their lifestyle, shenanigans, and whatever else they are up to does not stop me from "kuria na kunyua" (eating and drinking) as we often say in my mother tongue.

Many of us have lost our sense of purpose and abandoned self esteem, unduly influenced by those we look up to as role models and blindly emulate. People whose lives are not worth celebrating are now what our youth hope to become when they grow up. The rich who amassed wealth by running down public companies and embezzling funds now pretend to guide the youth on how to become billionaires and business moguls. Politicians continue to flaunt their ill-gotten riches while Kenyans do not even pause and wonder how these guys got up there. What kind of sheeple have we become that do not even pause to think?

Precious Illusions
Looking at the current leadership we voted into office in 2013, it pains me to realize that very few of them are in office for the right reasons. At the workplace, few go to work every morning for any reason besides making money at end-month. Many Kenyans have hopelessly subscribed to a misleading quest for money at all costs, thanks to common stereotypes about 'making it' and success. It is for this reason that many have turned to crime, others continually fall for get-rich-schemes and our youth are now at the mercy of sensational and transient fads whose main appeal is making money and spending it as fast as possible, sans any thinking about securing the future. We are continually comparing ourselves to others and will do anything, including crime to outdo them.

We have so far forgotten that it makes more sense and effort to be a person of value and not of success. As Albert Einstein prompted many years ago, we need to examine ourselves yet again and re-order our priorities, asking ourselves? "What is really important?"

In May 2013, I wrote a post that detailed what I hope would be my legacy. This in no way should be any person else's legacy and I do not mean to impose my will on others who should have the presence of mind to make their own informed decisions.
What I continue to urge you reading this post is that we should take another keen look at what we place priorities on and aspire to be. Is it famous people of questionable character or is it deeds and initiatives that make the world much better? Are we willing to do anything, including criminal acts, to gain riches or can we instead take time to improve our social condition?


What drives you?
What does it mean to have succeeded?
Here is something from Bessie Stanley, but often attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson:

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

I end this post with some words from the man who wrote The Prince. Take time and give the following some serious thought:

"The great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are."
- Niccolo Machiavelli.

Thereafter, do the needful.


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All said and done, do you still crave fame, popularity and celebrity status?
Is this allure influenced by your peers, role models or the very substance of what such a life entails? What does success mean to? We do believe that there are different strokes for different folk.. ni sawa tu.

It's Never Too Late to Set Things Right

Today is the last day of November. There are 31 days to the end of 2014.
In the sunset days of  the coming month as the year winds down, many will look back at what went wrong. There will be new resolutions and written or spoken plans and objectives for the new 2015.

Well, in this post, we give you a head-start with the assurance that it is never too late to make things right. Also, there's no need to wait for the end of 2014 to effect whatever changes may be necessary. Yes, you can set things right, despite the difficulties and still manage to apply yourself to life at your best.

John Mayer, looking back to what has made him, reckons that despite having a tough time or a rough start, one can learn to let it go. One however needs to be certain that he or she is  not wrongly convinced about things.
Here's the rest in his song Shadow Days:




It should be noted, however, that there always is a cost to righting wrongs, making amends or making things right. Whereas one may be left stronger at the broken places, we should remain alive to the fact that scars do remain even after full healing has been achieved.

In The Prince, Niccolo Machiavelli writes about  thus particular difficulty and sums it up in these profound words:

He who has not first laid his foundations may be able with great ability to lay them afterwards, but they will be laid with trouble to the architect and danger to the building.

In sum, it is never too late to make things right.
It may be harder, it may not result in perfection, but it is worth it.

Here's wishing you a happy December!


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Finally, Aaliyah with a reminder that one can indeed be at his or her best.
Enjoy: