In Memoriam: Pauline Njeri Njenga

Yu gonplei ste odon, Mamimami.

On Tuesday, March 24, 2020, Pauline Njeri didn't spend the night at her home along Waiyaki Way with the kids as she had done each and every day of their lives. She spent that night at Aga Khan.


RUNNING OUT OF DAYS

"Lives of great men," wrote an esteemed American poet and educator, "all remind us that we can make our lives sublime. And departing, leave behind us footprints on the sands of time."
Njeri was a great educator whose life epitomized clarity and transparency. She leaves behind indelible footprints. And fond memories.  For she loved deeply, and she was loved in return.

* * *

Njeri spent that night at Aga Khan in Parklands, Nairobi. But not at Aga Khan school where she had taught for many years. She was in Aga Khan University Hospital. Specifically, at the morgue.

Today marks exactly one month since her death on March 24, 2020.



"MAMI MAMI"

When Njeri got her first child Zipporah, it was during a tumultuous time in her life. The reasons why this was so are well beyond the scope of this post, but I'd be remiss in not saying that I was wowed by how gracefully she coped with those difficult times. And she did emerge stronger at the broken places eventually.

Njeri lived in Kasarani at the time, and as Zippy learned to talk, she had this penchant for voicing words twice. Zippy nicknamed my dog "doggie doggie" and each of the cats was called "miau miau." Her mother, as expected, was christened "mamimami."
That is how my sister Njeri became Mamimami, a name that everyone in the family stuck to forthwith. Even our parents.

Njeri was, and forever remains Mamimami. And as it'll become evident elsewhere in this post, she was also the quintessential deputy parent. In particular, to my sister Winni and I during the many years she worked at Juja Preparatory & Senior School while we schooled next door at JKUAT. And to our last-born Magda who practically lived in Mamimami's house throughout her college days at UoN and for some years thereafter.


WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS MAMIMAMI

Being the first born, Mamimami had our best interests at heart - all her six siblings as well as our parents. To this day, each one of us can point to a tangible item whose purchase Mamimami either significantly contributed to or financed entirely. And endless moral support that we cannot even begin to quantify.

At JKUAT where my sister Winni and I schooled, Mamimami was a regular presence. She was both parent and sister to us, and at no time did we have fees arrears or lack pocket money.

A number of furniture items in my house once belonged to her. She has always had my back and financed innumerable projects I've had over the years. And that goes even to other things in the family that I need not mention here.
I shall, however, talk about the two things that I make a living from and the role she did play in fashioning my life in bits (see what I did there? Only someone proficient in computing will appreciate the byte-sized pun)... I digress.

While I was a 3rd year student, I did my Industrial attachment at BIDCO in Thika. We used to get a small allowance and at the end of the 3 months, I bought myself a Nokia 2300 (yeah, among the very first phones to have an FM radio and polyphonic ringtones!) I was striving for higher ideals, however. I wanted to own a Computer in 4th year. Ordinarily, it became truly necessary in final year (in my case, 5th year) due to the unique demands of a student's practical Engineering Project. I therefore started saving cash from my pocket money and proceeds from the audio amplifiers and speaker cabinets I used to make and sell to fellow students.

I had only managed to purchase a CRT monitor, a keyboard and a mouse at the end of 3rd year. I had no cash to buy the main unit - the CPU and this would cost anywhere between 15k and 20k. Mamimami knew I had these computer parts, in any case I would keep them at her place at Juja Preparatory & Senior School.
You can then imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when she one day asked that I join her in going to Nairobi CBD to do some computer "window-shopping." And I happily tagged along. In town, she asked me to take her to the computer shop I was buying the other parts from and once in there, she asked that we check how much a good P4 CPU was going for. To cut the long story short, we eventually walked out with an AMD Duron CPU, and it cost her 18k. This happened to be a very big percentage of her salary back then.

And her benevolence goes on to this day. The HP 630 laptop I am typing this on was once hers, she generously gave it to me in December 2019 after my long-serving Toshiba L300 notebook of 11 years stopped working back in November last year.


HELP, I'M ALIVE

Sunday, April 13, 2008. The day President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga unveiled the Grand Coalition Cabinet. At around 8pm, I was accosted by thugs just near Kenya Tents in Roysambu. Those guys forcefully took my laptop, two phones, a significant amount of cash, National ID, bank cards, then cut my hand with a machete and broke my left arm. Horrified, I rushed to Mamimami's house in Kasarani and she took it upon herself to wash my bloodied white trouser. But that was only after taking me to a nearby medical center where my badly cut hand got stitches.
Early the following day, she didn't report to work but instead accompanied me first to Kiambu Hospital for X-rays and thereafter to Nazareth Hospital where my arm was put in a POP cast.

After this, she bought me another phone and was really instrumental in helping me get back my bearings after that near-death experience that saw me nearly slip into depression.

And I could go on and on and on...
Mamimami was always there when we needed her. At times, she would come to our aid long before we realized we needed her. She took good care of each one of us as if there was only one of us. Her affection was wholesome, her concern genuine. Always benevolent.


USE SOMEBODY

To Mamimami, family meant everything and she did all within her means to ensure those in her care never lacked. It is for this reason that she oftentimes worked long and odd hours.
Many are the days that she was essentially both the father and mother to her kids, because as far as these fabulous four were concerned, their interests invariably preceeded hers. She wanted the best for them and was quite unrelenting in this regard, right to the very end. And the clarity and transparency that characterized her life will forever stay with us.

Altruism was Mamimami's second nature and this predisposed her to the ever present risk of an unscrupulous entity keen on taking advantage and using somebody so good, so generous and so kind for hideous and evil exploits.
So graceful and selfless was Mamimami that someone uncultured would easily take that as a vulnerability or naiveté to maliciously exploit. But in hindsight, Mamimami was wise enough to never feel bad when such a self-seeking person would remember her only when in need of her. She instead felt privileged that she was like a candle that comes to mind when there is darkness. To shine the way for others without ever losing the light within her.


KNOCKING ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

On the day that Mamimami breathed her last, my sister Winni and I shared something that each of us had individually wondered: "Why her and not me?" We each had felt that Mamimami had so much going for her, what with four young kids to take care of and a very bright future for them all thanks to her dedication and focus in selfless parenting. We each felt that we do not have as many responsibilities as hers.

And life ain't no beauty show
We don't know where tomorrow ends
And when we're sad
It's kind of a drag.
- Matchbox Twenty (All I Need)

It is then that I remembered a story I once read, about a girl asking her grandma why God had called her mother to Heaven just when she needed to be there to take care of the girl and her siblings. The grandma replied with this question: "When you go out to pick fruits, don't you pick the biggest and ripest?"

Upon her passing, this reminder that it is the very best that are taken away gives me the strength to realize that much as I may currently see no good in her dying, it was for a reason. A good reason. One that I may one day come to acknowledge and appreciate. I am persuaded that there is something good and I may be able to perceive it should I look hard enough. My biggest consolation is that this world no longer deserved Mamimami and she just had to go. She is survived by four fantastic children Zippy, Sophia, Spencer and Stanley whose best days are definitely ahead of them.

She needed us, and we needed her...




...and now all we can do is remember and let go. And move on.

That's why I do not mourn Mamimami, I celebrate her. She is without a doubt in a much better place. I keep thinking of her each and every day. As I go about my duties and as we talk with my parents and siblings, (something we do every day) not a day goes by without mentioning her. I'm learning to let her go, even as I continue to miss her dearly. I bet this is what Christine Georgina Rossetti advises us to do in her poem:

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rite in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little - but not for long.
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that once we shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we must all take,
And each must go alone.
It's all part of the master plan,
A step on the road to home,
When you are lonely and sick at heart,
Go to the friends we know,
Laugh at all the things we used to do.
Miss me, but let me go.

* * *

IN PARADISUM

Mamimami's last moments found her at work, her other passion in addition to family. It was her joy to each and every day put life into the words of that American poet with whom I began, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, when he wrote: "So let us be up and doing, with a heart for any fate. Still achieving, still pursuing, learn to labor and to wait."

We buried Mamimami on Saturday, March 28, 2020. It was a brief ceremony that was attended by only her children, immediate family members and few close friends. And standing by her grave, I was reminded of Mary Elizabeth Frye's poem:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

* * *

When he spoke at Stanford in 2005, Steve Jobs spoke of death as life's change agent. Much as no one wants to die.
That last day, much as we all try to delay it all we can and avoid thinking about it as much as possible, is an inevitable certainty. Despite death being both permanent and irreversible, I find great comfort in the fact that many of us who live to become adults always have so many other days at our disposal to do with as we please. Until that final day, which catches some completely unawares as it did Mamimami. Hers happened to be a swift, relatively painless death.

And given the very personal reminder our family got on March 24 that life is both fickle and fleeting, I have since elected to try all I can to seize the days I still have left.

Why do Good People Walk Away?

Altruism is defined as the belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others. In other words, it is the behaviour of something that benefits another at its own expense.
Altruistic persons stand in harm's way for others. Call it taking one for the team, etc.

We have looked at altruism in the past, on The Walkabout. Today, we seek to find out if altruism in in fact absolutely unconditional.

Naturally, good people are expected to do good to others without expecting anything in return. These are the people who will free their time for you, whereas every person else attends to you in his or her free time.

But why do people stand in the gap for others in the first place?

People will help either because it distresses them to see another person in trouble, or because they actually empathize.
It is worth noting at this point that altruism, and deeds borne out of empathy should not be irrevocably harmful. In other words, while there is always a cost to genuine empathic acts, it should not be fatal, or altogether damaging.

Otherwise, it becomes mindless altruism.


Truly Unconditional?

Is it then possible to continue doing good in perpetuity, or are good things dependent on something?
In the Bible, God is portrayed as eternally loving, with his kindness enduring forever.

For Jehovah is good; his lovingkindness endureth for ever, And his faithfulness unto all generations.
- Psalm 100:5 (ASV)

Oh give thanks unto Jehovah; for he is good; For his lovingkindness endureth for ever.
- Psalm 136:1 (ASV)

But there is a caveat. You cannot continue doing what you please and expect Him to not do something about it. The following is just one of the things awaiting those who do not live according to the will of God.

¹⁸ For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;
¹⁹ Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them.
²⁰ For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:
²¹ Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
- Romans 1: 18-21 (KJV) 


I'll take vengeance on them, punishing them severely in my anger. They'll know that I am the LORD when I take my vengeance on them.
- Ezekiel 25:17 (ISV)

God may be all-knowing and all-good, but He expects something in return.



It's Only Human


Human beings, too, are not far-removed from this. Even the most generous and benevolent among us wish to see some return for extending a helping hand, for investing emotionally or materially in another person's woes and hence saving the day. 
Appreciation is at the top of what is naturally expected of those who are assisted.

As depicted in the top graphic, reciprocity both encourages more good acts and enhances cordiality.

Creating meaning is another thing that any good person would hope for. 
Nobody wants to do meaningless acts, no matter how good they are. No person would be happy to dig up holes, only to fill them with soil even if there is pay attached to the act. A person in such a situation will feel used, as a means to a meaningless and demeaning end.


The Deal Breaker

Human nature is such that people are mostly predisposed to abuse privilege. Many people, after getting what they want, mostly indulge.

A common problem those who set out to help others often experience is the unrealistic demands and a sense of entitlement that quickly develops in those being assisted. At this point, favors are now seen as responsibilities of the part of the giver. Unwarranted demands are placed on those who opted to help out of the kindness of their hearts. To a point where the same needy persons will become vengeful if help is delayed or no longer forthcoming.

When good people are taken advantage of and they do nothing about it, they endure the same thing that happened to a certain Arab in this Aesop's fable:





Faced with such a situation, a good man will say enough is enough and hit the road. No sane person would tolerate the insolence of ungrateful souls whose primacy is in taking advantage, abusing privilege and developing an unnecessary and inappropriate self of entitlement.

In some circumstances, it is always advisable to let go, learn the lesson and move on.


* * *

Sometimes, it becomes necessary to walk . . .

One Reason to Leave, Many Reasons to Stay

Human Relationships

Recently, I took time to think about human relationships - how fickle and frail they can be, and how encompassing and enduring they can also be.
It is interesting that all it takes for many relationships to end is just one mistake, one error in judgment. One reason is often too many, and usually enough for either or both parties to walk. At times, to go ahead and add their voice to WhyILeft.

Just about the same time, I watched a movie that reminded me of a discussion on last week's Weekend on BBC World Service that dwelt on theWhyIStayed hashtag on Twitter.

To Leave or to Stay?

That said, when does it become untenable to stay? And when is there reason enough to simply leave?
And more important, what would make one stay, when leaving is the most obvious option?

In all fairness, we have on several occasions written about leaving on this blog: Here, here and here. And most recently, here.

The Many Reasons to Stay

Coincidentally, I watched The Vow only last week.
Inspired by a true event, it is the story of a young couple - Leo and Paige, whose lives were ruined in a single moment of passion that was cut short by a traffic accident.

A truck hits Leo's car as he kisses his wife (who has since unbuckled her seat belt) and both of them are hospitalized, with Paige being in a medically induced comma due to her head injury.

When she awakens, Paige has lost most of her memories, especially everything about Leo who now is an imposing stranger in her life.
The rest of the movie is largely Leo's travail as he tries to win Paige back.

Anyways, the part that I found quite profound, and that is at the core of this post, is where Paige's mother tells her daughter why she still stayed even after discovering that Paige's father was cheating on her. And not just with any other woman, but with Paige's friend.




To Leave or to Stay

Many times, we hold people to very high standards, thus unwittingly setting ourselves up for great disappointments when these people do not live up to our expectations.
The resulting ire is often enough to make us forget all the good before it.

Should this be the case?

Depending on the situation, I submit that particular circumstances call for specific considerations. It also depends to a great extent, on the person(s) involved.
Do you often find it easier to leave or to stay?

Free at Last, Free at Last

Yesterday, I let go. And it feels good!

For the last couple of months, I have committed a great deal of precious time and substantial resources on what has now turned out to be a wild goose chase. In essence, I did find out only yesterday that the juice was no longer worth the squeeze in this particular situation. And hasn't been for many days, only that I wasn't aware.

At a time when I remain quite unwilling to countenance the shenanigans of a busy-body, I did the difficult, yet worthwhile thing - to quit while still ahead.
Interestingly, my new-found freedom obviates the need to get involved in some half-hearted commitments in the name of fulfilling societal expectations.

Letting Go, Cleaning the House and Moving On

That done, I must confess I took one long look back at what was, and immediately embarked on what is, inspired by the following words from Paulo Coelho's The Zahir:

...there are always some stories that are 'interrupted,' and they are the stories that remain nearest to the surface and so still occupy the present; only when we close that story or chapter can we begin the next one...

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose.People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life.

Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.

Admittedly, the feeling one gets is akin to what Andy Dufresne felt when he left Shawshank..

Freedom Songs 

From the song Free by 1NC,  I too, am now free to lift my hands, smile again, live and not die.. and much more.



And here's yet another song about freedom by George Michael.. go figure.



Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty I'm free at last!

To Remember, and to Let Go

Note: A similar post was published on The Walkabout back in April 2011.

The Afterlife
I've just watched, for the umpteenth time, the Jack and Christian Shephard afterlife church scene in the LOST finale.

Looking inside his father's empty coffin, Jack is surprised when his father, standing nearby, speaks to him.

Well knowing that Christian already died, Jack asks his father how he is there. Christian also asks Jack how he is there as well, and it dawns on Jack that he died too.

When Jack eventually asks where they are, his father tells him that they are in a place that all the losties made together so that they would find one another.

I find what Christian says next to be both a profound and defining revelation in the entire LOST TV series.

The most important part of your life, was the time that you spent with these people. That's why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.

To remember, and to let go.

Watch the video below:



Every so often, we find ourselves in a situation where we have to look back at people and things that made us who we are today.
Whether the past is marked by fond memories or bitter ones, moments to cherish, enduring scars, lingering doubts, uncalled for pain or traumatic recollections... whatever it be, there are always lessons to learn and move on.

The biggest attendant risk in such a defining moment is to try clean your hands in dirty water.

I recently had one of these situations where I simply remembered everything about a certain person. Yeah, it was not easy dealings with the ever present feelings of loss when one lets go.

I however was finally able, thanks to a great deal of effort, to cut loose. I closed the door, changed the record, cleaned the house and got rid of the dust. I let go and moved on.
Additionally, I've had to let go of a project I have been excited about since 2010. I realized that in going on with it, I would do more harm than good to my schedule. I may eventually work on it when the timing is right and all attendant factors are favorable. 

It was only then that I stopped being who I was and became who I am.